Narrative essay help about my audition for Kpop

Hey, so I have to write this essay for university and its a personal narrative where I had to present a belief/significance of this essay which for me was facing my fears.

It's not completely finished but I need a lot of help on the awkward syntax/wording and if you guys could give me some advice on what sensory details and emotional appeal I could add to also make it more descriptive would be nice. thank you! (thesis is bolded)

Essay (Rough copy):

Kpop audition

My very first Kpop audition was for a company called JYP Entertainment. They were holding global auditions all around the world and happened to come to Toronto in the fall of 2017. Having been a huge fan of Kpop for over 10 years, I decided to try my odds and audition. Normally, I would've been too scared to even bother going, but this year was different. This year, I realized that I had to face my fears and audition or else I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Never give up without trying because you never know what can happen.

Paragraph 1: Will be about how I felt prior to the audition date. I knew about the audition a couple months in advance, will also talk about my friend who is the only other character in the essay. We both went and auditioned, I danced, also will be talking about my emotions and how I felt

Now this is where im confused and stuck. I dont know what else to talk about for the rest of the essay. I cant switch topics now because I already handed in my rough copy and everything.

@lavonnamark
Hi! I would suggest adding things to the essay like how you overcame your fear, maybe what you did specifically, what you did to prepare for the audition, and maybe how your friend helped you through the experience. You may also discuss why fear itself is so crippling for most people. I mean, what are we all afraid of right? You can also discuss how you can take what you learned about yourself and how you will apply it in the future. Hope that helps!

Lavonna, unfortunately the topic that you chose, the one that you highlighted in black is not really a belief or a significance that can impress the reviewer. However, since you already turned in your rough draft, you will have to do your best with it. If you can approach the essay from a point of uncertainty on your part, you could turn this into a significant experience, whether you made it through the auditions or not. The statement you highlighted, though a personal belief, is difficult to insert in the essay because of the existence of your friend. Remove the friend as the other character in your essay because presentation will divide the attention of the reviewer. Instead, you must focus the essay solely on how you found the courage to go through with the audition because of this "belief" that you have. Don't muddle the issue with another character. That person is irrelevant to the prompt requirement. Just focus on your actions and your story. By the way, you need to work some more on your opening statement. You need a better hook that will catch the attention of the reviewer. This current paragraph is very common in feel and presentation. There is nothing that will make the reviewer think about reading further. If you can, describe the surroundings of the event and how you felt as you stepped into the audition venue, That might help to spice up your opening statement.