Near train accident; University of Illinois/something more

ESSAY #2: In an essay of 300 words or less, tell us something about yourself that isn't covered elsewhere in this application, some interest or experience of yours that you think the University of Illinois should know about as part of the admissions review.

Each of us have been changed and influenced in a way, for me, it was an emotional event that pushed me to dedicate my life to changing a part of society.

It was the same usual scenery, the same old road I used to go to school. My mom curve the lane where the rail way and the road intersects. Up in front of us, there was a huge traffic. Horns honking, local people moaning about the noise, I look around, to see what it was. I saw the railway supervisor who was clearing up the traffic. He complained that he haven't eaten till the morning, and that the traffic was too much. I saw what he had to go through, but one thing shocked me. The car at the end of the street suddenly stopped because the car engine malfunctioned. While this was occurring, the train was approaching near us. I was anxious and looked up ahead, the traffic was still stuck. It was a frightening moment as my mom went through the car and asked the front cars to drive through. The train was approaching sideways, I didn't know what to do, I needed help. I closed my eyes knowing that death was approaching by. Fortunately, my mom came by and started driving the car backwards, then pulled in the lever close to the cars outside of the rail way tracks. I couldn't believe the sound, as the train passed by.

This experience drives me to make a change that would improve the transportation systems in our country. I wanted to make efficient machines and replace transportation systems with subways to reduce traffic and danger. With efficient machines and new energy resources, I believe it would be a great help to a developing nation that needs to build roads, bridges, and cars in the future. From an education at University of Illinois, I would be able to research and put my ideas into actions. There are dangers that can be caused due to the lack of modernization and I feel the need to change this.

It was the same scenery, the same old, tired road I'd used countless times to drive to school. Unfortunately this time , my mom curved the lane where the rail way and the road intersects. What do you mean by curved?

Up ahead, there was a huge traffic. Horns honking, local people moaning about the noise, I look around, to see what it was. I saw the railway supervisor who was clearing up the traffic. He complained that he haven't eaten till the morning, and that the traffic was too much. I saw what he had to go through, but one thing shocked me. The car at the end of the street suddenly stopped because the car engine malfunctioned. While this was occurring, the train was approaching near us. I was anxious and looked up ahead, the traffic was still stuck. It was a frightening moment as my mom went through the car and asked the front cars to drive through. The train was approaching sideways, I didn't know what to do, I needed help. I closed my eyes knowing that death was approaching by. Fortunately, my mom came by and started driving the car backwards, then pulled in the lever close to the cars outside of the rail way tracks. I couldn't believe the sound, as the train passed by.

You need to describe the anxiety and fear of what was happening with better word choice. Asked makes your mother seem calmer than the situation would entail. Words like screamed, cried, etc.. go a long way in cultivating the emotions evoked by an essay. :)

Since you are over the word limit, I'll focus on taking out unnecessary parts. Whether you keep them or omit them, is completely up to you however, unless I specifically state that it's better off not there.

Thank you very much!!! I really appreciate it.