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"Nerd, outgoing, with a strong Filipino accent" - Stanford: Roommate prompt


vincentcanlas 6 / 22  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
I do not have ANYONE to edit my essay on the prompt:
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

If someone could please, edit my essay... I would TRULY appreciate it!

I lived in the Philippines the first fifteen years of my life. What can you expect from a guy who lived there that long and suddenly moved to the United States? Yes, a strong Filipino accent. Although I speak the English language well enough to have interesting conversations, I mumble some Filipino words. It is difficult not to because we speak "Taglish" in the Philippines; Taglish is the infusion of Filipino with American English.

One reason I wouldn't have a problem living with a roommate is that I have shared a room with my younger sister and my mother for most of my life. When I'm in a room with someone else, I speak a lot. I will talk about whatever my roommate wants to talk about-from classification of human beings, to derivations of calculus concepts, to how to get a better score in karaoke. Rest assured, my roommate and I are going to have a great time. Great time just like what I've had with my friends from the Philippines who called me "kuya," a Filipino term for big brother. Although I'm usually the youngest amongst my crew, I usually take charge of where we're going or how we're going to do things. I like organizing things that's why sometimes I think I have OCD. I have to arrange my things in the room a certain way. There shouldn't be a surprise if one day there will be containers to organize just about everything in our room. I can justify I will always be a "kuya" by having the will to aid anyone who needs me.

If my roommate has a "kuya" who is quiet, this is something that may or may not annoy him-I sing a lot. I've played the lead role in a high school spring musical. Even though my voice had cracked, I have been singing a lot from then on-in karaokes, in acapellas, in showers.

Nerd, outgoing, with a strong Filipino accent-three things you should remember in case you forget who I am.

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I do not know if I responded to the prompt properly. I also do not know if how I approached the prompt is appropriate. Thank you!
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
first off a general question, if the deadline is jan. 1st can you turn it in on jan 1st, i know this is a dumb question, but i could use the extra 24 hrs, and i dont want to be cramming college essays on new years eve:)

Anyway, I do feel your pain, not getting anybody to read your essays, thats been the case for me the past two days:)

I dont know if you need to explain taiglish, kind of takes away from the awe and meaning of the word, the surprise, the connotation when you take the life out of it a little by explaining it. Your trying to answer the question to directly w/ phrases like that is one reason why i am this, or lastly ..., or that is why there..., dont do that, just explain it naturally, trust your audience a little to fill in the gaps so to say. I think you have to make your essay more cohesive, your kind of isolating your idea about singing, kuya and speaking, part of it is the diction above but i would try tying all three of those ideas together maybe in a thesis, try relating them in someway, it will strengthen the focus of your essay tremendously. I like the question you pose at the beginning and the last line, build around those and keep those ideas you have in the middle but make them more co-exist and build a little off them and i think you have something.

Good luck, if you get a chance could you read mine, espec the upenn one, the first one if your going to read one, thanks alot.
iRunShow 6 / 15  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
I lived in the Philippines the first fifteen years of my life. What docan you expect from a guy who lived there that long and suddenly moved to the United States? Yes, a strong Filipino accent. Although I speak the English language well enough to have interesting conversations, I mumble some Filipino words. It is harddifficult not to because we speak "Taglish" therein the Philippines ; Taglish beingis the infusion of Filipino with American English.

I grew up with one younger sister and I shared a room with her and my mother for most of my life. That's one reason why I wouldn't have a problem adjusting with having a roommate. When I'm in a room with someone else, I speak a lot. I will talk about whatever my roommate wants to talk about-from classification of human beings, to derivations of calculus concepts, to how to get a better score in karaoke. Rest assured, my roommate and I are going to have a great time.

Most of my friends know me as "kuya," a Filipino term for big brother. Although I'm usually the youngest amongst my crew, I usually take charge of where we're going or how we're going to do things. I like organizing things that's why sometimes I think I have OCD. I have to arrange my things in the room a certain way. That is why there shouldn't be a surprise when there will be a laundry basket, a trash bin, and containers for just about everything in our room* ((this sentence needs some work)).I can justify I can*((dont use 2 "can") always be a "kuya" by having the will to aid anyone who needs me.

Lastly, something that may or may not annoy my roommateis that I I sing a lot. I've played the lead role in a high school spring musical. Even though my voice had cracked, I have been singing a lot from then on-in karaokes, ina capellas , in the showers .

Nerd, outgoing, with a strong Filipino accent-three things you should remember in case you forget who I am.
OP vincentcanlas 6 / 22  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
As far as I know, you could submit your app 11:59PM of the 1st.

I really appreciate your feedback! This was the first time someone I don't know actually gave a feedback on my essay.

I would just read through your feedback again and try to work from that. After, I'll be reading yours! :D

Thanks again.

iRunShow, thank you for the edits! :D those helped me a lot with polishing the details and grammar of this essay!
kiwi90 8 / 21  
Dec 30, 2009   #5
Hi, I've read your essay. It's good but I noticed a few mistakes..

Although I'm usually the youngest amongst my crew, I usually take charge of where we're going
-You wrote "usually," twice

I like organizing things that's why sometimes I think I have OCD.
- I think you need to cut this sentence down, or have a punctuation mark in between. it's run-on.

Nerd,(?) outgoing, with a strong Filipino accent-three things you should remember in case you forget who I am.
- Wouldn't there be a better word than "Nerd"? It's not unappropriate to use it, but it seems a bit abrupt.

And I don't get why you mentioned about "Taglish," in the first paragraph. Is it there to describe your accent? How about extending your description about it to put more emphasis on your bicultural background?

Hope this helped! Good luck.


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