"the nerdy Asian kid" 'My world' life long education and my American dream.

Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I wrote an essay...but its...Whenever i read it i feel as if there is something terribly wrong or missing from it. I want to find a way to make it an interesting read rather than how dry it is right now. I would love feedback on how to improve my writing style! PLEASE HELP!!!!!

One of the most well-known stereotypes is the nerdy Asian kid and I am its personification. People ask, "why do you try so hard?' How can I not? I am not just me. I am more than that. I am my mother's daughter. I am father's daughter. I am the reflection of the people who raised me. Confucius once said, "You must study the past in order to divine the future." I am the future and I was sculpted by the people closest to me.

I am from an immigrant family. My mother came to America alone with her unborn child. She was forced to leave my father behind in faraway Vietnam in order to come to a new country and give me the American dream. It would be eight years before my father finally reunited with his family. During that time, my mother was worked tirelessly night to day in order support her young daughter. As I watched her, I learned the value of hard work, independence, and perseverance. Throughout my life, I have followed her example and persisted through any obstacles. When I received a "B" on a violin final, I practiced for hours and hours afterwards and grasped an "A+" during the retake exam. Even so, my success is not measured my grades or numbers but rather the amount of work and dedication behind it.

"Study! Study! Study!" This word is heard every second of every minute in my household. My parents left Vietnam in order to give me the possibility of the American dream.. Yet, life in a new country was difficult. In Vietnam, both my parents were educated teachers, but are now menial workers with bottom scraping pay. They immigrated late in life and were unable to gain an American college education, so were bereft of better job opportunities. Knowledge of their loss fuels my drive for excellence. From the moment I could understand, they have instilled within me the importance of education. Throughout high school, I challenged myself with as many advance classes as possible. When I felt under prepared for the AP Biology exam, I spent countless hours poring over extra study guides. My preparation paid off when I received the only passing score in my class on the exam. My parents have given me the limitless opportunities found in America and I will not waste them. On my quest for career advancement and survival in the modern age, education will be my most valuable weapon.

I give many thanks to my parents. They are a constant source of inspiration and encouragement. From infancy, they carefully nurtured my yearning for knowledge and showed me the path to success. With the traits I have acquired, I cannot wait to take the next step towards my life long education and my American dream.

I am the personification of the most well know stereotypes, a nerd, and to make matters worse I'm asian. People ask, "why do you try so hard?' How can I not? I am not only the reflection of myself, I am more than that. I am a reflection of the people who raised me and love me most, my mother and father. I hold the key to the future, sculpted by the people closest to me.

sorry i kind of let my creative license get out of hand...your essay sounds great though lol great story

for future reference :
oh like i said always write in the active voice, it is so important when writing expository essays because t helps set the tone for the writing response. passive voice puts a time limit on your writing not the idea of this kind of writing form.

also don't be afraid to elaborate on you details that is what makes your composition different form the thousands of other applications out there :)

and i also noticed that your sentence composition is for the the most part good the structure just needs to be flipped...you will notice i did that in some places...and you need to structure your paragraphs in time order

sometimes it helps to read out loud your sentences and entire composition in a fancy british accent...it seems to me that your vietnamese dialect is shining through in your writing....it feels a little silly but talking in the accent helps to clarify the sentence structure (listen to yourself) if the sentences make no sense out loud then they need to be revised on paper

*jaw dropped* OH MY GOSH!!! thank YOU SOOO MUCH!! it DOES sound so much better!

Capitalize the W in 'why' for that first line... "Why do you..."

Here is what came ot mind for me:
One of the most well-known stereotypes is the nerdy Asian kid, and I am its personification. People ask, "Why do you try so hard?" How can I not? I am not just me; I am my mother's daughter, my father's daughter,and the reflection of the other people who raised me.

The quote by Confucius is about the study of history, so it seems irrelevant, unless you modify it:
Confucius once said, "You must study the past in order to divine the future," but in a sense I am the future, and my parents' past experiences enabled them to sculpt me into ___________.

Hey, I just noticed the great input by Ryan! Thanks, Ryan, for the time you have been investing in EF.


So, the active voice would be like this:
Circumstances forced her to leave my father behind...
As Ryan mentioned, it really does make the sentence much more powerful!

An Pham, I think you should read the essay again and think of what is the most important concept, the one you want the reader to remember. Then, add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. Make it a sentence that tells your THEME. Make it a sentence that tells the concept that YOU choose, the concept that will represent you in the reader's mind. Maybe it involves a sense of responsibility.