"neuroscience program interests me the most" - Johns Hopkins supplement

Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

Please help me with this essay. I believe it is ready to be sent out but i want others opinions. Any help would be appriciated.

Johns Hopkins offers a wide variety of majors to students but its neuroscience program interests me the most. Neuroscience is something that has always interested me. There is something about how the brain functions that seems so spectacular to me. The brain controls everything we do, think, and feel and studying about how this happens is extremely intriguing. My interest in neuroscience began as a result of my grandmother who had a brain tumor. My grandmother's chances for survival were very low but because of Mentor Petrela, a well known neurosurgeon in Albania, she survived. Ever since that day I decided to become a neurosurgeon so that one day I could help someone's mother, father, or, as in my case, grandmother. I want to be able to give someone else the joy of knowing that their loved one will survive and I believe by attending Johns Hopkins I can do this. Johns Hopkins neuroscience program would give me the perfect opportunity to do this because it is one of the best in the nation and the nearby hospital would provide me with one of the best experiences for neuroscience. I would be able to see surgeries, talk to doctors, and my professors would be some of the greatest minds in the world in the field of neuroscience.

Hey Juliano,
I have a few comments so hopefully you didn't send it out yet.

"Johns Hopkins offers a wide variety of majors to students but its neuroscience program interests me the most. Neuroscience is something that has always interested me. "

-I do not believe the first sentence is neccessary. JHU knows that it has a wide variety of majors and it doesn't need you to tell them. The essay has to be about you. The second sentence is a better start to the essay, but maybe you could add some personal touch to the end of it: a specific personal reason. An academic experience perhaps?

"There is something about how the brain functions that seems so spectacular to me. The brain controls everything we do, think, and feel and studying about how this happens is extremely intriguing."

-This first sentence can be condensed with the second. Try "There is something spectacular about the brain and its impact on everything we do, think, and feel, and studying the source of this impact is an idea that really intrigues me."

"Ever since that day I decided to become a neurosurgeon so that one day I could help someone's mother, father, or, as in my case, grandmother. I want to be able to give someone else the joy of knowing that their loved one will survive and I believe by attending Johns Hopkins I can do this."

- These are really important sentences, but they could be stronger. You need to emphasize the personal reasons WHY you want to study neuroscience. Here is a suggestion: "Ever since that day I decided to become a neurosurgeon so that one day I could help someone's mother, father, or, as in my case, grandmother; I want to be able to give someone else the same joy of knowing that their loved one will survive, and I believe through attending Johns Hopkins I can most definitely accomplish this goal."

"Johns Hopkins neuroscience program would give me the perfect opportunity to do this because it is one of the best in the nation and the nearby hospital would provide me with one of the best experiences for neuroscience. I would be able to see surgeries, talk to doctors, and my professors would be some of the greatest minds in the world in the field of neuroscience."

- These last sentences are the place to specify WHY Johns Hopkins. You want to sell yourself to their university, but you don't want to seem like you are selling the university instead. I think you just need to make the medical reasons more concise. For example, "The benefit of having professional quality medical staff and equipment within close proximity makes Johns Hopkins University is the ideal environment to pursue my studies. Additionally, the professors at Johns Hopkins University are among the finest in the world in their designated fields, and have a genuine desire to see their students become leaders in the world."

I would also add a concluding sentence to sum up all of the reasons why you want to study neuroscience at Johns Hopkins.

I hope this helps you out and good luck to you in the application process.
Also PLEASE read and critique my Princeton essay!

Thanks,
Andrew

Thank you so much Andrew. The suggestions did help and sure I would love to read your Princeton supplement.