New environment, educational system and fresh attitude. Why The New School? - International student

I'm applying to Eugene Lang College and I have to write an essay explaining why I chose The New School. Here's the prompt and the essay I have written:

Why The New School?

We would like to know more about your interest in joining our community and why you would be a good fit for The New School. ... (500 - 650 words)

Om performance at school in a home country, time to move on

About 10 years into my school career, I realized I wasn't good at studying. I failed a test for the first time, I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than five minutes, and my anxiety levels grew and grew every time I thought about my future. I just could not understand why I had to learn things I wasn't interested in.

By the time I started Bachillerato (11th and 12th grade in the US) I had decided I didn't want to go to a regular university. I needed a place where I could decide what I learnt and what I didn't.

So, when everyone from my teachers to my grandma started asking me what I was going to do when high school ended, I didn't know what to say. I had no idea about what I wanted to do with my life.

So I did what every teenager would have done: ask the internet. And an idea popped right in front of my eyes: studying abroad. I could move to another country, at least for four years, and try a new way of life and a new educational system. I started daydreaming about how my university would look like. I would go to a small liberal college in a big city, and I would take classes that really interested me.

The New School offers all I dreamed of. It's a small college in a really big city, New York City, and it has an open curriculum with interesting, specific classes. I'm really interested in psychology, sociology and anthropology; anything that studies human behavior, honestly. I'm not sure just yet if I'd major in one of them or if I should create my own major, but that's the great thing about the curriculum: you can find out later on. I'm also interested in gender studies. After reading lots of comments about this school online, and visiting NYC this summer, I have no doubt this is the perfect college for me. (329 words)

I'm a bit short, any suggestions?

... I realized I wasn't good at studying . Don't show your weakness. the school doesn't want people who think themselves weak. Your grammar and English are too weak, you can't frame an essay with this sort of English and expect to get in a college in US; try a private counselor or ask someone more familiar with English and pay them to write your answers.

So I did (...) ask the internet. No need to say this you already lost the admission officer in your essay who is no more interested in learning more of you.

I could move to another country, at least for four years, and try a new way of life and a new educational system. You want to move to New York and the New School because you failed in your own country and you don't have enough capability to fight that thing? I don't know what to say to a kid like you but believe me don't waste time with your essay. you're sure to be rejected even in small colleges because no one is interested to admit a failure. There is no point to tell you what should be included in this essay because you are grammatically weak and stand no chance even between the kids who fail within the US school.

Can you please tell me from what country do you belong with such awful English.
Don't waste application or SAT fee for NYC. It is extremely competitive and rich kids go there. You need to learn English at least for10 years before you even try to read the school website let alone the idea of applying. YOU DON'T STAND A Chance! NUFF said

I guess a moderator edited my post, I definitely didn't mean my performance was bad in my home country, I just need a change. Maybe I should focus more on the specific college part and less on myself.

@zumbastrol, maybe you could tell me a few examples instead of telling me my grammar is awful? That'd be super helpful. Also, I'm gonna try anyway. Who knows, maybe I do get in and improve my English.

I think the previous commenter may have been a little hard on you. I guess you are from Spain? To me, your grammar is not that bad and your essay is very easy to understand. I think the readers are more interested in learning about your story than in being impressed with florid exposition. The New School definitely is a one of a kind college with a very unusual philosophy and methods that might fit someone with unique educational goals. I think it is ok to mention your failures as long as you follow up with how you managed to overcome those failures, or at least what you learned from them and how you plan to use that knowledge in the future. I do agree that Googling and reading comments online might not be the most impressive way to decide your future college, but realistically that is what many prospective students do. I think you need to focus on the many things that make The New School so unique and connect them to the things that make you unique. You have to convince the readers that this will be a great match. Don't just say "reading lots of comments" - talk about the contents of those comments and what you have learned about New School that inspires you to attend. A college like New School is going to have a lot of applicants, maybe most applicants, who can't imagine going to any other college, since New School is exactly what they have dreamed of - I think you need to convince the reader that you too are one of those applicants. You need to get into more detail than "studying abroad at a small school in a big city" - that seems way too general and underestimates the uniqueness of The New School. Hopefully this is somewhat helpful - please don't get discouraged and continue to believe in yourself!

Inmaculada, the way I read your essay, you come across as an aimless and disinterested person when it comes to your education. That is why you chose to apply at this student created curriculum university. So, rather than seeming so aimless and without a clue in terms of your future, talk about a unique future for yourself that will combine the best classes at The New School. Make the reviewer understand that you are not without a direction or a so called "professional college student" who just keeps taking seminars because she can't figure out what she really wants to do in her life. Try to at least develop a related direction for the classes you are to create for yourself. That means, you have to pick the major that you are most attracted to and develop a sense of how you will become a unique graduate of the school based upon the classes you are interested in enrolling in . One more thing. I might be best if you write this essay in your mother tongue then use an online translator to convert it to English. That should help make your essay more grammar adherent when it comes to the presentation of the discussion.