Hello,
this is my U of Michigan short essay. Currently my word count is approx 350, I need to cut down more than at least 50 words. Can anyone give me some suggestions? and can someone please check my grammar? I would really appreciate your help.
As if reviving the legendary congregation of King Arthur and his Knights, eleven young people gathered around a round table to discuss the agenda concerning our country's foreign affairs. Our team's topic for 2008 Auckland Youth Declaration was "New Zealand on the International Scene," an issue which I thought I had a lot to contribute as a bicultural Korean-New Zealander. All of our team members had come from the multicultural city of Auckland, representing various ethnicities, schools and social values. So it was easy to anticipate a vitalizing yet possibly challenging encounter with differing perspectives.
Indeed, our team became quickly engaged in the heated discussion, in which I was able to observe how our distinct experiences and values could culminate into innovative ideas and agreements. For instance, a Pakeha student who had an experience of visiting my home country, Korea, offered his views on NZ trade on the basis of Korean economic model, while on the other hand, I was able to relate my knowledge about Asia-Pacific alliances (which include both Korea and New Zealand) to NZ defense strategy. There were also heated debates between opposing ideals, such as the one between a conservative British guy from my school and a Chinese guy who was inclined to socialist values from another school on the issue of NZ defense and aid target. Yet they also added to the vitality of the discussion, as we were not trying to judge which suggestion was better than the other, but to make best use of our diverse opinions to reach a resolution we could all agree upon. At the end of the conference, our team proposed six new policies to be voted by the rest of the youth delegates; each proposal was the result of exchange and appreciation of differences.
Through this experience, I came to value diversity as a valuable fosterer for better ideas and society, and communication an essential tool to understand diversity. I believe that individuals can educate and learn from each other by expressing and sharing their cultural and personal histories, and this is what I plan to practice in the campus of the university to enrich its diversity and develop my own personal maturity.
this is my U of Michigan short essay. Currently my word count is approx 350, I need to cut down more than at least 50 words. Can anyone give me some suggestions? and can someone please check my grammar? I would really appreciate your help.
As if reviving the legendary congregation of King Arthur and his Knights, eleven young people gathered around a round table to discuss the agenda concerning our country's foreign affairs. Our team's topic for 2008 Auckland Youth Declaration was "New Zealand on the International Scene," an issue which I thought I had a lot to contribute as a bicultural Korean-New Zealander. All of our team members had come from the multicultural city of Auckland, representing various ethnicities, schools and social values. So it was easy to anticipate a vitalizing yet possibly challenging encounter with differing perspectives.
Indeed, our team became quickly engaged in the heated discussion, in which I was able to observe how our distinct experiences and values could culminate into innovative ideas and agreements. For instance, a Pakeha student who had an experience of visiting my home country, Korea, offered his views on NZ trade on the basis of Korean economic model, while on the other hand, I was able to relate my knowledge about Asia-Pacific alliances (which include both Korea and New Zealand) to NZ defense strategy. There were also heated debates between opposing ideals, such as the one between a conservative British guy from my school and a Chinese guy who was inclined to socialist values from another school on the issue of NZ defense and aid target. Yet they also added to the vitality of the discussion, as we were not trying to judge which suggestion was better than the other, but to make best use of our diverse opinions to reach a resolution we could all agree upon. At the end of the conference, our team proposed six new policies to be voted by the rest of the youth delegates; each proposal was the result of exchange and appreciation of differences.
Through this experience, I came to value diversity as a valuable fosterer for better ideas and society, and communication an essential tool to understand diversity. I believe that individuals can educate and learn from each other by expressing and sharing their cultural and personal histories, and this is what I plan to practice in the campus of the university to enrich its diversity and develop my own personal maturity.