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"Nothing in the world is worth having unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty". Naval Academy


landthief 1 / -  
Jan 25, 2016   #1
Hello everyone,
Looking for advice on this rough draft I have crafted. Thank you very much in advance! This would be a huge help!

Prompt:
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:
(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and

(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

Essay:
My initial interest in the Navy came from my father's service. My late father was a Surface Warfare Officer. In remembering my father's recollection of his service, he would always talk about the relationships and challenges of his time in the Navy. He talked about the many talented, honest, and hard-working people he met. And how leading these great people, from all different walks of life, was one of the most rewarding challenges of his life. I want to follow in my father's footsteps by serving. My long range goal is to serve a career as an officer in the Navy.

In order to be most effective Naval Officer I can be, I want to enhance my leadership, academics, fitness, and values at the Naval Academy. I know there are alternate ways to commission as a Naval Officer, and they develop exceptional leaders. But ultimately I know myself, and I know that the Naval Academy's environment is right for me. At a normal university, emphasis is solely placed on intellectual development. I love that the Naval Academy puts emphasis not only on intellectual rigor, but in developing fit well-rounded leaders. To be surrounded by 4,500 midshipmen, diverse in background yet unified in a common mission, who have all gone through the same hardships, is something that would allow me to reach my full potential as a Naval Officer.

Throughout my life, I have had various experiences that have shaped my moral character. From hunting with my dad as a young kid to developing my faith through youth group. But I think what is unique about my moral character, among other applicants, is the two years that I have spent at college. Most importantly, I recognize the virtue of a military academy environment compared to a normal college, and I have developed study habits to master university curriculum.

When my potential fellow midshipmen see the highlights of their peer's traditional college experiences through social media, I can reaffirm the virtue of attending the Naval Academy. I can tell them, through my own personal experiences, that the other path pales in comparison to the fulfillment and higher calling of attending the Naval Academy.

In addition, the challenges I have faced intellectually have allowed me to develop my academics through self-integrity. After taking my first midterms at [my college], I soon realized that my high school study habits were not going to suffice. I was cheating myself by waiting a night or two before a test to study. But after being true to myself, I realized the need to refine my time management habits. Instead of studying a day or two before a test, I started studying weeks in advance for exams. At the Naval Academy, I think I could be a valuable asset in mentoring my fellow midshipmen as they transition from high school to college - something that I already know well.

Many great officers have had delayed paths to the Naval Academy: James Stockdale, Jimmy Carter, etc. At this point, I am no longer tempted by common pitfalls: free education, prestige, my parents wanting it badly for me, etc. But I am motivated by the opportunity to develop morally, mentally, and physically, through the great challenges the Naval Academy provides, in order to assume responsibility as a Naval Officer. As Theodore Roosevelt said, "Nothing in the world is worth having unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty." If given admission to your Naval Academy, I promise to give it my all, in everything I do, in order to protect the integrity of what it means to be a United States Naval Academy Midshipman.

It is around 600 words right now. Need it down to 500.
Thank you so much for looking at this!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 25, 2016   #2
Stewart, I'd like to share my thoughts and remarks on your essay.
First of all, I'd like the paragraphs to be kept to a minimum of 3,
this way it will be presented neatly and more professional.
Also, when writing with word restriction, be sure to streamline your ideas
and go straight to the point, this way you will be able to eliminate the
unnecessary words in the essay and you will have room for the ideas
that matter.

The first 2 paragraphs can be trimmed down into 1 paragraph as your introduction.
Please find the remarks below;

- My initial interest in the Navy came from my father's service.
- people he met. A,a nd how leading these great people,
- My long range goal is to serve a career as an officer in the Navy.( this sentence is not necessary as we have already established that The Navy is where you want to be )

- But ultimately I ultimately know myself,
- and I know that the Naval Academy's environment is right for me.
- At a normal university, emphasis is solely placed on intellectual development. I love thatwhile the Naval Academy
- diverse in background yet unified inwith a common mission,

There you have it Stewart, I hope my remarks and thoughts help.
I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 25, 2016   #3
Stewart, I'm back for the rest of the essay.
Kindly find the corrections and remarks below;

The 3rd and 4th paragraph can be merged into 1
- Throughout my life, I have had variousmy experiences that have shaped my moral character.
- From hunting with my dad as a young kid to developing my faith through youth group.
- But I think what is unique about my moral character, among other applicants,( never compare yourself to others)
- is the two years that I have spent atin college.
- Most importantly, I recognize the virtue of a military academy environment compared to a normal college,

The last 2 paragraphs
- I was cheating myself by waiting a night or two before a test to study. But after being true to myself, I realized the need to refine my time management habits. Instead of studying a day or two before a test, I started studying weeks in advance for exams.( this information is not necessary at all )

- AtIn the Naval Academy,
- I think I couldwill be a valuable asset in
- mentoring my fellow midshipmen as they transition from high school to college - something that I already know well .( I suggest to delete this, it might come as a bit bragging )

- If givenGiven admission to yourthe Naval Academy,

There you it Stewart, I hope my remarks helped and do let us know should you need further assistance.


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