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"quantification" - best descriptor for my desire to attend the Naval Academy

jjcUSNA 1 / -  
Sep 9, 2014   #1
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:
Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and

Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity

First draft with some changes, but I know I need to change the last sentence as it's never okay to speak in third person in a personal statement. I could use some feedback.

The best descriptor for my desire to attend the Naval Academy is - "quantification." It's not easy to articulate, spell, or define, but much too strong to ignore. It's a measurable feeling that satisfies, challenges, pushes, pulls, and offers both successes and failures.

It's the feeling of hitting a home run - when the hard work, the extra hours in the cage, and the focus required to hit a baseball over 300 feet all come together and I watch the ball fly over the fence. The feelings of pride and accomplishment all merge and the realization that I have helped my team get closer to our goal. Quantification.

It's the feeling of throwing a touchdown pass when the ball just floats over the defender and lands in the hands of my teammate. As the ball leaves my hand and begins to travel some 30 yards down the field, I can foresee the future and anticipate the result. I see my teammate complete the catch and run to the end zone. This is the feeling that only comes from being part of a team - all working together and all doing our jobs collectively. I know the coach has entrusted me to execute his plan and lead the team. Quantification.

This did not happen with every pass or swing in my high school varsity career, but the feeling is inter-connected between the failures and successes. My desire to serve, my desire to be pushed to reach my fullest potential, and my desire to be part of something bigger than anything I can accomplish alone comes from these experiences. Add my aspiration of leadership, and the Naval Academy feels right - it reaches quantification.

I applied last year without success. However, disappointment strengthens my resolve. The painful rejection forced me to adapt and overcome. At the University of San Diego, I will participate in the NROTC program and will complete coursework paralleling plebe year curriculum.

Easily my life's biggest disappointment, I continue to push through, work hard, adapt to succeed, and reach my goal of becoming a Naval Officer.

Rising from the ashes of my disappointment, however, came a great success. My last official act as a high school student ranks as one of my biggest highlights. Two weeks after graduation, my baseball team played the championship game in Dodger Stadium. My family and friends watched as I played where only the best in America's game get to journey. We walked off the field - together, carrying the CIF Championship trophy and singing our school's alma mater. This, too, shaped my character as I learned to overcome frustration and seize opportunity.

America and Freedom, Josh Canty and the Naval Academy - both feel right. That is quantification. That is why I want to attend the Naval Academy.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 9, 2014   #2
It is interesting to note that while you did write an interesting personal statement, you did not totally answer either prompts. You mentioned a very significant personal experience about playing baseball but were not able to related the event to how you developed an interest in the naval academy. That is what the prompt is asking you to answer. The answer to that would be something like "My dad worked in the Navy and so I grew up a navy brat, the navy was the only world I know and I never want to leave it. Hence my interest in the naval academy..." For the second prompt, You should further develop your statement about having tried out for the academy previously and getting rejected. Your statement about NROTC shows your desire to pursue naval career and should impress the admisison officer a bit. So I would really advise you to revise your paper to more closely answer the prompts. The keywords are indicated within the prompt and you have represented the answers in your draft. You just need to further develop it in the proper context.

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