Notre-Dame Supp: "The Unexplored"/"Moral Radiance"

Please help me edit these, I'll return the favor!

Many people form a list of once-in-a-lifetime activities to accomplish. For example, individuals on the admissions staff hope to visit all the national parks, publish a fiction novel or waddle with penguins in Antarctica. What are a few of the items on your list?

Nauru is the world's smallest island country - it takes 15 minute to drive around the country. Tokelau has the world's smallest economy but plans to be the first country to use only renewable energy. My list includes travelling to the most mysterious countries in the world. I believe the most obscure countries hold some of the world's most interesting experiences. Speaking of hidden places, the number one activity on my list is to establish an entrepreneurial program for Aboriginal youth on reserves in Canada. At a conference, I met many Native-Canadian youth who told me about the lack of opportunities and hope on the reserves. I am a firm believer in education and empowerment; I have faith that an entrepreneurial program will stimulate business interest in youth and dramatically increase their chances of bringing success to their communities.

Why Notre-Dame?

He sat cross-legged by the fire hydrant. I was driving to buy my last-minute Thanksgiving pie when I noticed him. Traffic was low on a holiday; he had nothing in his paper cup. My conscience rang loud and clear, and I picked up a pound cake and a cup of coffee for the unnamed man on my way out of the store. Although I strive to be a successful businesswoman, moral responsibility is an indelible part of my character. In my student-run company, I established a value of social awareness, and 5% of all proceeds is donated to charity. The Mendoza College of Business boasts an impressive array of world-class programs and successful alumni. While Notre-Dame's rankings are outstanding, I am drawn by the fact that Notre-Dame's mission of using education and success to serve humanity is in perfect alignment with my life's goals.

In the first essay I like how you actually have a list to share to the AO and it's good that you have a focus on your number one activity - the one which is establishing an entrepreneurial program. It's an opportunity for the AOs to get a peak in your mind of what your ultimate goal in life may be, and the important parts of a long journey often isn't the end result but the journey itself! Expand on why you want to stimulate business interest in the aboriginal youth of Canada. Is there a obligation you have? The number one on your list is what I think they want to hear about, and not to see what your interests are but to understand your incentives.

I don't know anything about Notre-Dame but I think it is good that you talk about an event where your moral responsibility is showcased but you didn't actually explain what this moral responsibility is. Please do so!

Thank you for reading my NYU Short response and I wish you luck in your application process :)
Alexander Huang

I think you need to add more about Notre Dame and why you want to go there. It sounds more like you are boosting your character than explaining why ND is perfect for you.

Thanks guys! What do you think of the second draft:

Bucket List

As a thrill-seeking teenager, I have inevitably included skydiving as a part of my bucket list. However, the most important activity on my list is to explore the world's most obscure countries. Nauru has always been my top destination. The solitary dot in the vast Pacific is the world's smallest island republic. How has being isolated from other countries shape Nauru's culture and characterize its people? I want to live with the locals and experience life from their perspective.

Another item on my list is to live in a rural community in China for a week. I have never been away from the bustling city where everyone is constantly tuning the world out with their iPods. My grandfather often described the intimacy of his small village he grew up in to me. Perhaps a taste of the simple life would help me grow closer to the root of humanity.

Why Notre-Dame?

I've wanted to be a successful businesswoman my entire life. It was all planned out - I would work in a large corporation to obtain experience and eventually embark on my own entrepreneurial venture. However, after watching "The Corporation" in business class, I was shocked at the lack of morality in the world of business today. I have a strong conscience that makes me cringe at the thought of polluting the environment or exploiting third-world nations for profit.

Notre-Dame is the only institution of its caliber that values using education and success to serve humanity. The effectiveness of its faculty to teach these values can be reflected in the impressive 80% of undergraduate students who choose to engage in community service. Notre-Dame is a college that not only provides an exceptional education in a supportive, tight-knit community, but also expects its students to represent honor and integrity wherever their careers takes them.

this sentence is so random. either you don't need it or elaborate. but I think you should focus on the other two things on your list

now these essays are better.

On your second draft, your first topic is good, but you need to elaborate a little bit more about why you want to visit Nauru. Don't use facts to support your reasons because that would drive away the readers' attention.

With your second topic, I like how you're planning to take your intended major seriously; it shows that you do care on what you want to do.

I like the second one. I think you should focus a little more on notre dame specifically, but don't put in fluff just for the sake of length. it is a personals statement afterall. Please read mine! Thanks!