NUS personal statement about my experience joining Physics Olympiad

Hi,
Please help me about my personal statement. I am open to any critic or suggestion. The writing is limited to 2000 characters, my original writing exceeds the limit, so my father helped me to make it shorter and this is the result

You should include a personal statement in this section elaborating your achievements, as well as their relevance to the course of study you have chosen.

As your statement is limited to only 2000 characters, do present your ideas in a focused and thoughtful manner.

representing my country

An unforgettable experince to me is when I joined the Physics Olympiad representing my country in Russia last May. Long before, I used to be number one in science at school or at local competitions. Having joined many competitions since I was 9, my highest achievement was only at national level. So, I did not know anything about international competitions. After winning the National Science Olympiad, I was being arrogant that I thought it had been over, no more competition to be won and I had reached my peak level. I was wrong. The government invited me to join the training camp for IPhO. There I met students who were surprisingly much smarter than me, gods of physics I would say. Although I had studied all my best, sadly I was not selected to represent my country for IPhO. From this point, I realize we must keep learning and working hard to achieve what we want. Luckily, Mr. Hendra Kwee, a physics teacher gave me an opportunity to be trained by the best physics teachers for me and to join APhO. Firstly, I was unsure to join APhO. If I had to leave my school for months studying physics with the team, I knew my school teachers would not support me and they would give me bad scores. However, I really wanted to join the camp. So, I decided to join the camp studying for 4 months along with the gods of physics. I was lucky studying with them, knowing how they studied, and being their friend. I expected to get a bronze medal, but I obtained the Honorable Mention from the olympiad. Now I understand they aren't gods; anybody working hard can be anything he wants. Next year I'm targetting to get gold medals in IPhO and APhO. After that, I hope to join NUS to meet new competitors at once friends to study together.

Thanks

Johanes, an honorable mention is not achievement that will impress the reviewer. Unless you actually won the competition, simply getting a participation recognition, which is what an honorable mention is, does not serve any purpose in your application. Neither did you link it to your chosen major as the prompt requires. Therefore, you cannot use this statement for this prompt. You need to pick an accomplishment. If I were you, I would elaborate instead on how I was chosen to join the training camp for the IPHO. That is a notable achievement in itself that you can relate to your chosen major. Discuss how your interest in the course was developed through the influence of the better students in the subject who attended the camp along with you. Do not go overboard by telling the whole story that ends with an honorable mention. You should close the essay at its strongest point by allowing yourself to convince the reviewer that you reached the pinnacle of success ( as far as you are concerned) that further made you determined to pursue a college degree in this field.

Hi!
I think the essay is actually very strong. It shows where your determination comes from and the experiences you've learned from it. I somewhat agree with the comment above about honorable mention.. Maybe you could shift your achievement to be more towards what you learned? Like instead of making your achievement honorable mention, you can say you achieved experience and knowledge you can't gain anywhere else? good luck!

Hello!
I think you wrote a very good essay, and your theme addresses the prompt. However, you didn't correlate your experience to your major (I suppose it is Physics, but make it clear).

I also suggest you to cut some parts that may not be that relevant and elaborate more on what you learned throughout your experience. In this sense,I got that you understood that it is all about working hard (I totally agree!).

Overall, congratulations for your achievements! I wish you the best of luck!