Occidental College; a vital stepping-stone in focusing my interests and shaping my view of the world

Hi I am stuck on my common app transfer essay: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)

I would really appreciate feedback on what I have so far and any suggestions for what I need more of as I can still add one or two more paragraphs

Thanks! :

CURRENT/REVISED VERSION:

My time at Occidental College has been a vital stepping-stone in focusing my interests and shaping my view of the world around me. However, no matter how many eureka moments I reached during its unique, critical theory courses, it simply does not offer the specific coursework I consider essential to meet my goals. My aim is to take ideas from their conceptual origins to concrete realities. I want to collaborate with other like-minded people in order to develop projects of impact that not only inform others but pose meaningful questions and continue the conversation. I hope to analyze the varying aspects of consumer mindsets, what and how they are formed and shaped and how that leads to decision-making.

My favorite course at Occidental was distinctly dubbed "Stupidity". In this course we explored the different mindsets that create false interlocking-hierarchies of power within our society - many of which are due to the influence of mass media. We discussed how specific mindsets have an architecture and aesthetic which function as precursors to behavior. I plan to pursue this line of inquiry, to deconstruct the ways in which information is expressed, received, and internalized and how the framing of this information can result in action.

Although I enjoyed Critical Theory and Social Justice courses, they proved to be limited in relating to what I hope to accomplish during my college years. I want to be able to communicate my ideas with concise clarity while keeping an open mind in considering all options to decipher the best plan of execution. It is my objective to dig for the truth. I believe that in order to get to some layers of truth about situations, all sides must be taken into account. Oftentimes, the reality of a situation is missed because only a limited number of privileged angles of experience are taken into account. I hope to dissect how modern media presents stories so that I am able to pinpoint when stories are not being told fully or when the truth is missed because of a missing viewpoint. It is my objective to present real stories by revealing multiple perspectives and making room for previously silenced voices to be heard.

One way I tell stories is through music. As a lifelong songwriter, music has always been the essential medium of connection and expression in my life. Not only do I plan to learn from the Communications community but I plan to be part of the music community as well by taking advantage of the course work available and reaching out to create music with other students. I would enrich my studies with music courses, specifically in music production, in order to build upon my semester at Pyramind in San Francisco. I would like to achieve a highly accomplished level of technical production expertise in order to create music for both personal release and to use in conjunction with visual media to augment and enhance user experiences.

I hope to connect on a deeper, more personal level with professors and students than I was able to at Occidental. I plan to capitalize on office hours as my time at Occidental has shown me the value and depth of outside of the classroom conversations with professors. I plan to immediately reach out and become an active member of clubs related to communications and music to build a positive base of people who continually support and inspire one another. I desire to be a contributing member of a community that challenges me to explore and consider opinions other than my own while I continue to form and nurture my own worldview.

I believe that an idea is only an idea until it has the power to impact others. My desire to study Communications stems from my main objective: to take abstract thoughts and ideas and transform them into concrete projects that have a positive, tangible effect on people's lives.

Camille, I am a bit confused here. Are you trying to transfer schools or change majors ? The majority of the essay seems to be about changing majors but then later on, you mention something about building upon a semester gained at a different school. Which is which? Please clarify so that we will know from what point of view to consider your writing.

Generally, you build strongly upon the reasons for your transfer and how you hope to achieve your objectives. As a reviewer, I would want to learn how you plan to use the university to achieve those objectives. The discussion is too common place and does not really shed light on how Occidental can help you achieve those goals. Perhaps mentioning specific classes, in relation to your goals can help to better support your reasons for transferring to Occidental?

Now, as I am not sure if you are shifting majors or actually changing universities at this point, I will leave my comments at this point. Once I am sure of what it is you are really doing, I can better assess and comment on what you have written.

I am looking to transfer colleges out/from my last two years at Occidental to another college through the common app. The main reason I am transfering is because my current school doesn't have the Communications major.

Thanks for the clarification. In my opinion, you will need to make some adjustments to your current essay in order to better provide reasons for your desire to transfer schools. It is important to show immediately that your current school doesn't provide you with tools to pursue your current college ambitions. Make it seem like the university was alright for you to attend when you first thought that you were on the path towards your chosen major. Then explain the change in your mindset, which then led you to attend courses at this new university. This would be a better rationalization for your desire to change universities rather than simply saying that you will build upon the foundation you received from the university. It is only when you can properly represent the differences between the universities in relation to your current educational interests that you will have been able to properly address the prompt.