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"I was once a small seed" UC PROMPT #1



AsadiaArabia 1 / 5  
Nov 26, 2011   #1
UC Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I would like to ask feedback on if this makes sense and what i can do to make it better. Please and Thank you in advance! =)

Small, fragile and easily sculpted, a vulnerable seed planted in a forest. I was born as an unknown seed in a household of 18 people: two grandparents, 6 parents and 11 children. Growing up in a large household brought about many hardships and many blessings. It was hard for me to grow up around so many people at times feeling as if I was going unnoticed. It was in my later years when I realized that it was being raised around all these people who had such different personalities that had contributed to my unique base. I had created a trunk filled with many characteristics derived from my surroundings. It was also watching my parents work long shifts at an almond factory that gave me my thick bark of security knowing that they were living this tough life so that I could grow up and live a better one. It is my family that has given me such a strong core yet still allowed me to be a young humble gentleman. A gentleman driven to be successful not just for myself but really for the two individuals who gave up their comfortable lives and emigrated to America to live the lives of people barely scraping by just so their children could live their dreams, my parents.

Building off of my trunk I had fragile branches that grew long filling with leaves full of dreams in hope to touch the sky. It was as if I had hit a growth spurt forming into a tall sequoia with many branches. My branches partially represent the different opportunities I have been able to participate in such as Tennis, Soccer, Moot Court, Mock Trial and many more. It was these activities that helped me grow and provided me with endless knowledge. Playing sports thought me the importance of what it takes to be a team player and that it isn't always about me but what I can contribute. The branches at the bottom of my tree have been thickened in this process that represents me giving back to those less advantageous than myself. I have always loved to give back to those less fortunate than me because I know the joy of being given something when you feel like you have nothing. I am the President of the Take Action club at my school. Our goal is to raise awareness of humanitarian issues that need help and my club members have helped me raise money to aid the people in need. It is my core and lower branches that have allowed me to not stray away to be a selfish conceited individual who thinks it's all about himself.

Along with growing taller and thicker I have continued to provide shade for various individuals who need an escape from the burdens of the sun. Providing shade for people isn't something I was born with. It was something I learned to be of value because I was once a young teen who needed it the most. When I became a teenager I developed severe acne on my back that later spread to my chest and arms. This acne left numerous colossal scars on my back which lead to my cousins giving me nicknames like "The Iraq War" and "Bombs in Baghdad." It was hurtful to the point where they even refused to swim with me because they didn't want to get "infected." I have used these experiences to be a safe haven to the middle school kids I coached in soccer and basketball for three years to come and talk to about anything.

All of these small events that have occurred in my life have resulted in me becoming a young individual who wants to do nothing but give back to his roots and those less fortunate. My dream is to become a Doctor and join the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Borders. I was once a small seed planted in a forest. I am now a burgeoning Sequoia.

adamhkim54 2 / 12  
Nov 26, 2011   #2
I like how the whole thing is a metaphor of a tree. Its kind of awkward at first, if you know what i mean, but the overall look at it is pretty good. The last couple sentences were a bit forced though. Don't say that you are a tree yet because im guessing you are still a senior like me. You have a whole life to live. Make it an optimistic view that you may become a full grown tree or someother.

i hope this helps a little -__-
OP AsadiaArabia 1 / 5  
Nov 26, 2011   #3
adamhkim54
When you say the last few sentnces do mena mean changing these up a little? "All of these small events that have occurred in my life have resulted in me becoming a young individual who wants to do nothing but give back to his roots and those less fortunate. My dream is to become a Doctor and join the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Borders. I was once a small seed planted in a forest. I am now a burgeoning Sequoia.

"
adamhkim54 2 / 12  
Nov 26, 2011   #4
Yes. Especially "I was once a small seed planted in a forest. I am now a burgeoning Sequoia." It doesn't give me a sense that everything wrapped up. It was like BAM the end. and forget my comment about changing this. its perfect. Just make a statement of you as an oblivious seed in a grand forest (much of which is unknown) and how with your experience or whatever you are that "burgeoning sequoia."

[edit] oh and is it possible that you could skim my stuff? thanks
OP AsadiaArabia 1 / 5  
Nov 26, 2011   #5
Thanks man. You really helped me with this! and ill be sure to read yours. :)
amadan 1 / 9  
Nov 27, 2011   #6
This is good! Your intro is pretty interesting. I like the consistency of the metaphor throughout.

It was in my later years when I realized that it was being raised around all these people who had such different personalities that had contributed to my unique base.

Change the second "it" to I
Instead of "unique base" maybe you could say..."that had contributed to the depth of my tangled roots" or something to make it more tree like :)
rachelpark 1 / 1  
Nov 27, 2011   #7
Really love the branch/tree imagery. Good work!
OP AsadiaArabia 1 / 5  
Nov 27, 2011   #8
Thanks for the pointers you guys ill be sure to edit my essay.
beckyloo94 2 / 8  
Nov 28, 2011   #9
This is a really good essay. I like how you use the comparison to a tree throughout which helps bind it together will. Two things to change: the activities you listed like tennis and an internship shouldn't be capitalized. I know thats kind of nit-picky... Also, I would expand a little bit on the last part about being a Sequoia, and explain a little more about how you are going to be like one. Otherwise, great job!


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