Hello, I would be grateful if someone could take a look at my paragraph and give feedback. Thanks!
Queen's University Personal Statement of Experience
Question: Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed above. In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.
Response: Every time I auditioned for the Ottawa Youth Orchestra Academy, I always ended up occupying the seat at the very back of the ensemble. I despised my seat. In my eyes, being placed in the last row of my section meant that I was inferior to all of the violinists in front of me. In addition, I had difficulty following the conductor because dozens of musicians blocked my view while my neighbor piccoloist deafened me. However, my greatest issue with the seat was the inability to be seen or heard by the audience. During concerts, my presence went completely unnoticed, almost as if I was not there. I felt useless, even unwanted. It was truly a pitiful seat.
What I discovered from being part of the orchestra was my desire to amaze people. I realized that the reason I initially joined the academy was to demonstrate the music I could produce to the audience. And this applied to everything I did; whether I performed a violin concerto, solved a challenging math problem or executed a deceptive shot in badminton, I did it all for show- not to boast, but to entertain. In essence, I learned that I enjoy displaying my creativity and capabilities. The five years I have spent at the academy have not gone to waste: although I was unable to stand out as a musician, experiencing the feeling of failure has transformed me to strive. The regret of not taking action to change my situation back then has become my greatest motivator today.
During my post-secondary studies, I refuse to repeat my mistakes and remain at the back, powerless. I will aim to take the concertmaster's seat where I can clearly show myself and my genius to the audience.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,667 3487
As of the moment, what I think is implied in the essay is that you are a self-centered person who doesn't like being ignored or given a position that you feel diminishes your skills and participation. That, is not something you want the reviewer to think about you. The first paragraph clearly shows that you did not enjoy your time with the orchestra because you were not allowed to perform as you wished to. So it would be impossible for you to have found a learning experience from it.
Rather than focusing in the negative, why not focus on what you learned regarding being at the back of the stage with the rest of the players? What made it special for you later on? Would you say you learned some valuable lessons regarding team work, individuality, or the importance of each participant, regardless of his position on the team? If you can successfully explain the lessons you learned and how it helped you develop a wider perspective that allowed you to develop a different aspect of your personality then the essay will take on a more positive note and enhance your image with the reviewer.
You don't need the last 2 sentences in the presentation. Those are throwaways that do not add to the learning experience from the past that you are being asked to focus your discussion on.