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Greatest learning outcome and impact of the experience

sgsg9 4 / 1 5  
Feb 7, 2016   #1
Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed above. In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.

After un unfair newcomer experience, I was determined to become the voice to represent all of the newcomers and ELL(English Language Learners) students. Despite my lack of leadership experience, I felt the urge to make a difference in the school and became the president of the Newcomers Club. This commitment has not only provided me opportunities to pursue my passion but also become one of my greatest learning experiences.

Through my experience with leading the newcomers, I was able to develop my teamwork and leadership skills. I engaged 20 ELL enthusiasts, and together we hosted events to facilitate appreciation of diversity of the ELL population and to promote a sense of community. During the organization of these events, I was able to build confidence on teamwork abilities and communication skills from collaborating with my executive team, requesting funding with my principal, negotiating with food vendors. In conjunction, I also acquired important characteristics of being an effective leader. I came to understand the value of effective delegation and the importance of being able to lead by inspiring and engaging others.

In addition, I learned the value of friendship and now consider it an impeccable part of my life. I was always taught to be a self-dependent individual; although I love helping my friends, I seldom ask them for big favours. However, during the process of planning the Asian Heritage Tea Ceremony, I had to seek help from my by-then twelfth grade students in the culminating period to ask them to represent their cultures. To my surprise, they were more than happy to spend their precious time to solve my dilemma. They brought complete sets of equipments and their speech made the students awestruck and intrigued by the essence of the tea ceremony. My friends' support made me realize that genuine friendship is all about helping each other during moments of difficulties and with friendship, one can achieve so much more.

Overall, this experience has allowed me to believe in my potential and my ability to make a difference in other people's life, and will allow me to take on the leadership positions during my time at .. university.

please help me to polish this essay and reduce word count!!!! thank you so much
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Feb 7, 2016   #2
Dian, you can bring down your word count if you combine the following lines to create a new paragraph:

If you delete the connecting sentences of the second paragraph, you will find that you are better able to represent the impact of the activity and the learning experience on your end. You are able to represent the leadership skills that you developed in a more hands on method as opposed to the theoretical representation you currently have. The combination of the paragraphs will also shorten the essay length which will in turn, lower your word count to at least the minimum requirement.
sholihin84 6 / 9  
Feb 8, 2016   #3
1. un unfair --> it sound ambigious.
2. ; --> what is the use of applying the sign?

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