FSU Essay. This one's so hard to write on. =[

I'm not even sure if I'm writing to the topic correctly. But I have such a creative block it's ridiculous. I've been pulling hairs out over this thing for a week.

I need to cut three words. Where?

Thank you so very much! This is a huge help!

I'm sure you know the topic but it's:

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

I can just feel it. My hairs prickle and a tiny mountain range forms on my forearms. The group in front of me strikes an eerie minor chord and I want more than anything to share with everyone the emotion that the instruments are conveying to me. My heart beats quickly and I anticipate the resolving chord to follow. It doesn't. The music takes a strange turn and I can sense everybody shifting in their chairs, discomforted by the rules the piece is seemingly breaking. Then it comes, the home chord, and we breathe a sigh of relief. I cannot stop smiling. If everybody felt the happiness that music brings to me, nobody would ever want to turn down the volume. The beauty of music is that it's so simply complex. The raw materials of a song can describe me as a person.

If you look at the poetic words in a song they tell you something. I'm one of those songs that just tell you how it is. My lyrics are a splatter of my thoughts. I'd sing to you my heart's desires even if you don't want to know. I'll tell you that I dream of being a chorus teacher because my adolescent vision of being the next Hilary Duff is highly unlikely. Although, more than that, I'd hum to you that it's really because there's nothing more exhilarating than watching some organized scribbles literally come to life in the voices of people and the joy they radiate from the magic they can fabricate.

One two three, two two three...Can you feel the tempo? The beat of a song is the steady rhythm of life. Life trucks on, fluid and persistent until an action disrupts its path. My favorite beat is a broken, syncopated waltz. I love when life has that "this is so surreal it must be a movie" feel. You float on through with a skip in your step. Everybody should dance through life. It's not strange to break out and dance in the mall if your favorite song is on. Follow the rhythm that makes you the happiest.

My favorite part of music is the harmonies. A harmony is a collection of multiple notes sounded simultaneously. Sometimes these notes clash and create a dissonant sound. That's when my music becomes the complexities in life. I'm given this sour problem and I need to find a way to resolve it. I use my wits and follow basic rules. Always forgive and be flexible to compromise. I make a point to always breathe and accept others' opinions. It always resolves to home. Then you can start anew.

My favorite band is Of Montreal. They're an indie group with a lot of spunk. Their music is never the same. It's always changing over the song and they sing about what makes them happy. I relate to their style. I hope that I'll always be seen as strong enough to trust in change and free enough to love every bit of it.

Can you tell which topic I'm writing to? Does it do anything to tell about me or is it way too vague? Can you give me some tips? I guess it'ssort of abstract.. And every ounce of grammatical help is very much desired. I'm sorry. I'm just so nervous about it!

Interesting approach. You might want to clarify some of your points, though. To pick on one section in particular by way of example:


If you always forgive people, even when they show no sign of remorse for their actions, won't they tend to keep behaving badly?


What do you do when you meet people with irreconcilable points of view? How do you "accept" two contrary opinions at the same time? And what if the opinions of others include, say, that political protesters should be shot or that the Holocaust never happened? Would you really then "accept" those opinions unquestioningly?


What do you mean by this?

You've got the "creative" part down. Now go through and make sure you've got the "thoughtful" part in there too.

Ok line by line: In the opening line its not usually a good thing to use a vague word like "It". You feel it, but what is it is it happiness... tension... fear... some undescribed feeling that you can't name. If so say it.

I like the second line a lot I think it is descriptive and focuses the reader onto the fact that little things about life are important (a theme I felt like you went back to and is good to work off of).

The next line is good as well... but by continuing the story, which is by no means bad (it would be awesome if this was an essay describing an event in your life) you pass up a chance to focus the reader on the Latin word you are trying to focus on and tell them why it applies to you. Here is the thing... the reader needs to know what the point of the essay is right off the bat. So it would be good to say right after the line, "The group [...] instruments are conveying to me" something like, "The feelings I get from music, inspires me, this feeling of beauty, or Artes in Latin... feelings I feel can embody my life" (make it prettier than that but that gist) or use two sentences but bring the reader in to Artes (which I am assuming is the word you were driving at). That will shorten the essay and you may want to wait till the end to finish the story. Break while the people are waiting for resolution you are equating your life with this story and recording both in the same essay so maybe wait for the resolution of the essay to give the resolution of the music in the resolution of the story.

I like the last line of the first paragraph as a lead-in to the rest of the essay. Possibly look for a synonym for materials, it may not fit the tone of the essay ( but its up to you, not a big deal).

The opening to your next paragraph is perfect. It tells something about you and relates really well to your topic. I love the imagery of the splatter of thoughts... so good.

The use of humor in the middle is good unless the reader still considers 18 year olds as adolescents and then it just sounds as if Hilary Duff is your role modle which might actually detract from what your trying to get a cross (I don't know) maybe think of saying "pre-teen" or "middle school" this indicates that your tastes are changing, developing, you are growing as a person... they like that sort of thing.

"I'd hum to you [...]" I think this is a bit weak because the rest of this sentence is about what you are thinking about doing with the rest of your life. I like the use of a different word than just "sing" which can be boring but personally humming indicates a sort of distracted or quiet or unsure or unexcited feeling, not what you want to be saying to lead into, "nothing more exhilarating than watching some organized scribbles literally come to life in the voices of people and the joy they radiate from the magic they can fabricate."

I might start the third paragraph with Artes again to refocus... maybe say something liek, "Its beauty, Artes (using the focus word again to remind the reader of your purpose) that drives life" maybe not "drives" but something of that nature. Maybe put it right after the, "One two three. Two, two, three" oh and put those in quotes or italisize them because they aren't complete sentences. It shows they are thoughts.

Again your metaphore for life and beats is great... it brings beauty life and you really close and ties the three topics up with a really good metaphore. Great stuff.

The fourth article seems a bit cluttered. It took me a minute to figure out exactly what you were saying. Maybe start with the "lifes not perfect" idea and then talk about harmonies. If you use a simily (use the word like or saying something becomes) i would say music is like life not life is like music. In other words your whole article is comparing your life to music. Its not actually about music its about your life so you should work that sentence about "music becoming the complexities of life" the other way around. Personaly I don't like using "becoming" as a comparer because it is a word that implies a change or movement of ideas when really you're not saying that the complexities of life are changing into something musical (dissonance) your saying they are simultaneously similar.

It might be good to mention Of Montreal in a line. It gives a real life band and their attributes and compares them to your life. But I would not devote a whole paragraph to them (good way to shorten) and I would definately not make that my last paragraph. It opens to many questions and leaves the reader with out that resolving chord. Maybe use the second half of the story in the first paragraph to finish the essay off with and rework one of those ideas of your life being embodied by the beauty/Artes of music as your finishing line.

Great advice and critique here.

In the first sentence, you can just say tiny mountains. That will save you two words.

Too many adjectives and adverbs. It clutters your thoughts. Try more expressive verbs.

Thank you =]