A Hopeless Romantic
I'm a hopeless romantic. There, it's out. Now sure, it might seem like a trivial confession but it is what makes me tick. I'm a big believer in the idea of "the one," and I blame all of my childhood Disney and Pixar movies for it. Shrek made it seem like there's someone destined for me while Cinderella cemented in me the idea that meeting that person will be inevitable. According to them, once I fall in love, life will be perfect. I'll feel totally comfortable in my skin, ashamed of nothing and proud of everything. My hours will be filled with laughter and happiness. Any sad emotions will suddenly disappear the moment I see her. She'll be the end of my pursuit of happiness.
I've spent hours if not days fantasizing about "her" and what she'll be like. Sometimes she's a blue eyed southern bell and others she's an Australian accented pro surfer. I imagine all the similarities and difference we might have. Will she understand my love for grape soda and will I have to overcome my fear of scary movies for her? I fill up the empty minutes walking from Spanish to English class with these kinds of thoughts. I don't sing pop songs in the shower but practice what I might say when I think that I've finally met her. Until then though, it's all a big waiting game, but I assure you, I can wait.
I don't think you directly address the prompt. Is it the thought of meeting 'the one' makes you tick? If so, you should make this clear from the beginning.
Grammatically, you use 'it' a lot, but many times what 'it' is is unclear. Furthermore you don't want to use the same word with so much frequency.
Now sure, it might seem like a trivial confession but it is what makes me tick. I'm a big believer in the idea of "the one," and I blame all of my childhood Disney and Pixar movies for it . Shrek made it seem...
Hey I like your essay. Lily is right though you do say "it" a lot. What would help you I think is to read your essay out loud. Then you will hear how it reads. Good work.
me...
I've spent hours -->I spend hours (you are still fantasizing right?)
You definitely fulfilled the prompt in a very unique, and entertaining way--I could definitely see your personality. It is also more direct than the first. Great job.
Plz read my essay :)
Very well written !
I think it has a pretty solid foundation. It seems like your making fun of yourself which I'm guessing the essay was trying to make you do in the first place. Your Disney references are pretty cute too !
You should change your first line to "What makes me tick the most is waiting for "the one"." You can also put your original first two sentences after that. It's attention grabbing and you'll need that because most admission officers tend to skim.
The ending sentence for your first paragraph isn't very complex. It seems kind of like you were just trying to end the paragraph.
Hope that helped ! :)
I really enjoyed your essay and its definately unique. I do think the updated version is better because you state what makes you tick at the beginning.