Hello, I was seeking some advice on improving my College Essay for the University of Florida.
There Topic is as follows:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
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This is my essay:
Having only one week to compensate for 7 years of absence was difficult but, I made the most possible out of the available time. From Havana to Pinar del Rio, Cuba, I visited family everywhere who, disregard their poverty, greeted me with open arms and offered me what little they had. The last time I had visited Cuba I was 10 years old and the memories of it were vague and the reality distorted but, the recent trip had opened my eyes to what was beneath the surface. My days were spent playing anything from baseball, soccer or volleyball with both of my cousins, a 15 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. Looking at them gave me an unforgettable feeling of sadness, knowing that neither of them had ever been able to experience what the average kid in America experiences, no theme parks, malls, not even popcorn at what they call a movie theatre.
I made new friends there, kids from the block that I had never met who will most likely never experience the world outside of that island. Rejoicing every possible moment, we went from a morning in the pool to hours of horseback riding in an open field. That week was without a doubt the most amazing week of my life in the past 7 years, no amount of entertainment in the U.S.A had provided me with more excitement than that that I had in my indigent home land. Though with each passing moment, the time to leave drew closer making it the first time I ever wished that time would stop to savor what was in front of me. A phrase an English teacher, Mr. Hudak, had once told us appeared in my head, "Carpe Diem."
"You are not leaving them behind, you are taking a part of them with you and have left a part of yourself," my dad told me as we got on the plane destined from Cuba to Miami, it was the second time I saw my dad cry, the first being when his mother died. Leaving my family again was one of the hardest events that I have had to overcome.
Visiting Cuba opened my eyes to the opportunities offered to immigrants that come to America, ones they would have not had otherwise, causing me to appreciate what I have much more than I did two weeks ago, making me study harder and value chances more in an attempt to help those far from me.
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Any feedback is highly appreciated.
Thank You
P.S.
"That week was without a doubt the most amazing week of my life in the past 7 years, no amount of entertainment in the U.S.A had provided me with more excitement than that that I had in my indigent home land."
That part makes it sound like I am putting down the U.S. but, I am not. I'm trying to state that no amount of entertainment I've had, theme parks, movies or seeing snow has brought me more satisfaction than spending time with my family in Cuba.
Don't know if I should omit that or restate it.
- It's not the only part I'm looking for feedback in, just an aspect of the essay I noticed while proof reading that might be misinterpreted.
There Topic is as follows:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------
This is my essay:
Having only one week to compensate for 7 years of absence was difficult but, I made the most possible out of the available time. From Havana to Pinar del Rio, Cuba, I visited family everywhere who, disregard their poverty, greeted me with open arms and offered me what little they had. The last time I had visited Cuba I was 10 years old and the memories of it were vague and the reality distorted but, the recent trip had opened my eyes to what was beneath the surface. My days were spent playing anything from baseball, soccer or volleyball with both of my cousins, a 15 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. Looking at them gave me an unforgettable feeling of sadness, knowing that neither of them had ever been able to experience what the average kid in America experiences, no theme parks, malls, not even popcorn at what they call a movie theatre.
I made new friends there, kids from the block that I had never met who will most likely never experience the world outside of that island. Rejoicing every possible moment, we went from a morning in the pool to hours of horseback riding in an open field. That week was without a doubt the most amazing week of my life in the past 7 years, no amount of entertainment in the U.S.A had provided me with more excitement than that that I had in my indigent home land. Though with each passing moment, the time to leave drew closer making it the first time I ever wished that time would stop to savor what was in front of me. A phrase an English teacher, Mr. Hudak, had once told us appeared in my head, "Carpe Diem."
"You are not leaving them behind, you are taking a part of them with you and have left a part of yourself," my dad told me as we got on the plane destined from Cuba to Miami, it was the second time I saw my dad cry, the first being when his mother died. Leaving my family again was one of the hardest events that I have had to overcome.
Visiting Cuba opened my eyes to the opportunities offered to immigrants that come to America, ones they would have not had otherwise, causing me to appreciate what I have much more than I did two weeks ago, making me study harder and value chances more in an attempt to help those far from me.
------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------
Any feedback is highly appreciated.
Thank You
P.S.
"That week was without a doubt the most amazing week of my life in the past 7 years, no amount of entertainment in the U.S.A had provided me with more excitement than that that I had in my indigent home land."
That part makes it sound like I am putting down the U.S. but, I am not. I'm trying to state that no amount of entertainment I've had, theme parks, movies or seeing snow has brought me more satisfaction than spending time with my family in Cuba.
Don't know if I should omit that or restate it.
- It's not the only part I'm looking for feedback in, just an aspect of the essay I noticed while proof reading that might be misinterpreted.