Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? ; Caltech / Ethical Dilemma

1. is this essay ready to go. if not how can i improve if further. if yes, how can it make it better.
2. is this essay too informal for a top university like Caltech.
3. please point out any grammatical errors, and any constructive suggestions on how to make the overall essay more flowery would be appreciated.
4. one last question. please suggest any ways possible on how to make this essay more concise. problem is that the character limit is only 1300, and i have already reached 1500 characters.

thanks in advance for the help.

I have been an avid tennis player since a very early age, and my passion for tennis has grown ever since. One of the memories associated with tennis that I reminisce the most is as follows:

Only in the third tennis tournament of my tennis career, I qualified almost all the rounds and reached the semi-finals of it. Unfortunately, I got to know from my peers that my next round was with a very experienced player, who had won numerous tournaments. As I approached the court, and met my adversary, I knew there was no way that guy was under 10, or perhaps under 12 even and I knew I was not going to play against him. After a heated discussion between the authorities and my parents, we found out that he was actually 13 years of age. As expected I lost to him. And the worst part was at the award ceremony, my coach called me and said, 'don't worry you can do that too. And we'll help you with it'. I was struck back. Those words are very much fresh in my memory today. Did my own coach had just invited me to cheat? Yeah, that was what had happened. At many times in my career I even thought of being a part of it, but somewhere deep within me a voice always roared, 'You will not be playing against kids, to be declared as winner. I forbid it.' And I am proud to say that till date I have not indulged myself in any such activity, be that in the domain of sports or anywhere else. As a matter of fact I did beat that kid, however 4 years of continual hard work in an U-16 tournament, and that match was the most memorable ever.

Hello,

A few things here. While this is a plausible ethical dilemma, please note that this story has been told sooooo many times that I have literally lost count. You need to make this story really unique by adding further detail. Make it an original. Secondly, and most importantly, you have a major issue with grammar. You have a lot of grammatical errors that the admin team at Caltech will simply not be able to overlook no matter how great your grades or SAT scores may be. We can help you fix and perfect this. -AAO

Hope this helps.

thanks for the advice. i know that my English is not good, but please can u help me out on improving this essay. although i don't know whether this has been used a lot of times or not but i can assure u that this is my original idea and was not copied from any other source. anyway plz help me out with improving this, it is really important for me. actually the problem is that we have to write our essay in only 1300 characters, so i cannot elaborate on any of the instances, and have to shorten everything up.

thanks in advance

Hello,

There is always a way to tell a story no matter how restricted you are. Maybe you can just focus on that moment. The moment where your coach hinted that you should cheat. Focus the entire story on only that event by talking about your feelings and how conflicted you were and how you decided to make the "best" ethical decision. -AAO

I have made some changes in the supplement essay, but I know that there is still a lot of work that needs to be done. any more constructive advice on how the improve that overall essay will be appreciated and i also welcome everybody to point out the grammatical mistakes. Thanks in advance.

also can anybody help me out in making this essay more concise, I am still exceeding the character limit by 300 characters.

Only in the third tournament of my tennis career, I reached the semi-finals. Unfortunately, I lost the semi - finals to a boy who was 13yrs of age and used falsified documents to obtain an entry into the U-10 tournament. However, I was not upset because I had lost a match, but because it was not a fair fight. The other person was 13 yrs of age and was playing U-10 matches. However, I got over it very quickly as I had not done anything wrong. In an amazing turn of events, in the award ceremony, my coach called me and invited me to cheat as the other boy had done I was struck back by the thought that my coach, the person with whom I had been training for the past one year was inviting me to cheat, and that too without any hesitation. I stood there, not a single word out of mouth. And without saying anything, I took my certificate and went back home. So, it was not only the boy was cheating but the coach too was fully supportive of the idea. I did not confront my coach for about a week after that, but thought deeply about what he had said. Many a times it occurred to me as a viable option too. However, each time my conscience overpowered those thoughts. I knew that one day, I will have to confront him again and answer. I only wished that when that day came, I would have enough strength to boldly say NO to my coach. And as a matter of fact I did confront him, and firmly stood on my point, 'No matter what the circumstances be, I shall not cheat'. Also after four years of hard work and dedication, I was able to defeat that boy with utmost confidence. I was more than happy that day for I had proved to my coach my abilities without the use of any unfair means.

Only in the third tournament of my tennis career, I reached the semi-finals. Unfortunately, I lost the semi - finalsgame to a boy who was 13yrs of age13-year player/rival.andHeused falsified documents to obtained an entry into the U-10 tournament by falsifying records .

Thanks ah_zafari for your comments. I improved the essay per those, however my essay is still exceeding the word limit by about 300 characters. The character limit is 1300 and my essay is of almost 1600 characters. Also any further suggestions regarding the grammatical corrections and the improving overall essay as a whole are invited. I'd be surely grateful to all those who help.

2. is this essay ready to be submit. is it worth enough of top university like Caltech. If not how can I improve the overall essay as a whole.

Thanks in Advance.

Here's some help for your word count;


He had obtained an entrymanaged to enter into the U-10 tournament by falsifying records.


------------- why do you repeat this sentence? Did he cheat on the age? That's not coming very clear... If there's no special reason, leave this out to help your word count : )


---------- I introduced this change to highlight that you are a strong character : )

Yes he cheated on the age and although everybody including the coach, me and my parents knew about that , we could not do anything and I had to play the match. sorry, I repeated that sentence twice my mistake. I would not have done so in the essay to be sent.

thanks for your comments, I really appreciate it.

Please help me improving the overall essay as a whole. like I really liked the comment "soon got over it pardoned the unfair judgement". some more improvements through your valuable suggestions and I am all set. However, shouldn't the above statement be like this ::: "soon got over it and pardoned the boy" because there was no judgement at that point. all the thinking part was done after that.

can anybody help me out here, it will be very appreciated

sure... you have the first hand experience and I did not have any idea. What I expressed was what I guessed about the incident. The above is fine : )


----------- I feel that part does not contribute much to your essay... also it is not clear what your coach requested you to do... better tell it to the reader at this point.

I'm not clear about how the coach cheated. If you quickly reply to this post, I should be able to help you accommodate that in your essay and help you trim your word count further.

:)

dumi
the coach told me that u can do the same thing that the other boy had done. he invited me to submit falsified documents so as to gain as advantage by obtaining an entry into the lower age group tournament. he literally invited me to to that. and he did not requested me to do that. he said it as if it were a common thing that the boys do in the tournaments. he said "don't worry about your loss, you can do that too. and we will help u do so too." so the coach was the actual culprit as he was the one who encouraged the boys to do that sort of thing.

thanks for any help, but i think that still a lot of improvement is needed in this essay to make it worthy of Caltech

Okkkkkkkkkk... then let's try to improve it:

This is what I did for you;

I remember how angry and upset I was after the semi finals, the first time I could make it to the semis in my tennis career, when I lost the game to a boy of thirteen years. My anger had nothing to do about losing the game, but about being a victim of cheating. Yes, this boy cheated his age and I found hard to pardon him. However, I calmed down myself and accepted the unfair decision as I respected the game and sportsmanship. However, during the award ceremony, my coach called me to a corner and said "don't worry about your loss, you can do that too and we will help u do so too." The coach, the person whom I always had so much respect, was suggesting me to cheat on my documents. I looked at him in astonishment, picked up my certificate and went home in a great despair. My anger shifted from the boy to coach. He was the actual culprit who encouraged the boys to cheat. I fought a battle within me; should I cheat my age as he suggested or win the game with a clear conscience? I determined to keep my hands clean. After four years of my hard work and dedication I finally defeated that boy in the finals; and with that I defeated the continued unethical practice of cheating!

You may change it the way you like : )

I absolutely love how you said can anybody help me out here, it will be very appreciated after people already gave you a butt load of help. AND I also love how you are practically expect other people to lower your character count for you! Do it yourself! Jesus!

dumi must be a SAINT because I don't know anyone else who would actually continue to help you.