Hello so I'm very uneasy about this essay. It is about a subject that I felt I wanted to write about but I don't know if the way I wrote it makes it applicable for a Common App Personal Essay.
I could also use help in wording/grammar as well and this essay is 634 words long (500 max on Common App). Any ideas on condensing the essay would be appreciated.
Criticism is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Topic of my Choice-- "Paralysis"
It seemed like forever. The clock hanging on the wall was ticking away the time. I opened my eyes and there it was in front of me, a plain white room with a small water cooler, a nightstand, my bed, and a small aquarium with a couple of colorful fish swimming in it. Looking at the cold, still water in the cooler, I decided to hop off my bed and fetch myself a glass of water. I couldn't. My legs felt numb and were not responding to my mental commands. It was as if I was permanently stuck in my bed and had no means of escaping it. I was paralyzed.
Shortly thereafter, my mother walked into the room and sat down on the side of my bed. "How are you feeling?" she asked me. "Fine, but a little thirsty" I said. She quickly got off my bed and brought me a glass of water. I had been paralyzed from the waist down for about two days now. I was not always like this. I used to be a normal, healthy boy who loved to be active and play sports. I was living the normal life of a seven-year old boy. However my world was turned upside down when I woke up one morning, unable to feel or move my legs. Fearing the worst, my parents took me to the hospital to be diagnosed. The doctors took a couple of days to observe my health and perform the necessary tests to figure out the cause of my paralysis. Meanwhile, I had time to think about a potentially new life where playing soccer, walking, running, and living my ideal childhood were no longer options. It is a strange feeling when you realize how at an instance your world can change for better or for worse. In my case I was still too young to have lived a full life and was just beginning to discover what the world had to offer. The impossible scenario had become a reality. The things I had taken for granted, like having functional legs, were stripped away from me. I felt as if my life was like a tower of blocks supported by a rug. Everything had been going well until that quick moment when the rug is yanked away from underneath the tower causing it to collapse on itself. Weeks passed by and the doctors were puzzled by my condition. They could not explain the cause of my sudden paralysis. As for me, I was still not able to feel my legs. Although I consistently tried to motivate myself to move on my own, getting around was proving to be a very difficult task to complete on my own. One morning, however, I started to feel a sharp prickling feeling on my legs and I felt as if I was beginning to feel my legs again. I sent mental orders to my feet and to my surprise I saw my foot move in the direction that I had ordered. It was a miracle. The doctors were in awe of what had happened and had concluded that my sudden paralysis might have been caused by a virus.
Coming out of that hospital was not only liberating but had also changed me as a person. Ever since that moment I have learned not to ever take anything for granted and to enjoy life and all of the blessings that come my way. To me, my life is not the same from the average person. The experience of being paralyzed not only helped me cherish and not take things for granted but it has also helped me discover traits like the motivation to never give up, the patience to help me stay positive, and faith to believe that I will walk again.
Inspirational, descriptive and sincere. Analogy was creative and the emotions are clear. I think this is a great essay, and I think you emphasized a lot about yourself and your good traits. After the above edits, I don't see anything to truly fix on your essay.
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