I am a paranoid and sometimes I like to see other people suffer - Personal Description Pharagraph

My full name is Prima Sabrina Ndaru Lestari, people use to call me Prima. However in high school, my friend used to call me "Sensei" which mean teacher in Japanese. I was born in Tangerang inside a hospital which share same name to me, on April 26th 1996 which means I'm 18 years older now. I'm the eldest child of three siblings and all of us are girl. I love my little sisters as much as I love myself. Especially Sasa, she is the one who always support me every time I felt hopeless. She is my best friend while Zahra is still 5th years and I like to play a lot with her in our house at Tangerang. I tend to like many things, so I possess lot of hobbies. One of my hobbies is writing and I have published plus-minus 60 fiction story in web which usually written on Indonesia language. My personality is kind of bad for some person including my family. I am a paranoid and sometimes I like to see other people suffer. In this case it's just character in film or animation not real people in life. But still, my sister always seeks for my help every time problem following her. I don't like salak since child and please don't ever throw it to me because I'm sure I'll scream. And, there is an important figure that always amazes me, my father. I learn a lot from him.

While this essay is direct to the point and gives a cut and dried description of yourself, it offers very little information about your personality. That is because you spent too much time on the rudimentary details about yourself. You don't need to tell us where you born, and you can limit the information about your family members. You should talk more about who you are. What you enjoy in life, and the kind of person that you are as a daughter, friend, student, etc. These are all personal descriptions that can give the reader an insight into your life and who you are.


- You should further develop the sentences in this statement as separate paragraphs. These descriptions could offer a vivid look into your personality, specially the portion about why you say you are some kind of bad person. Why do you say that about yourself? Why do you consider yourself paranoid? More importantly, why do you like to see fictional people suffer? These are important character traits that you should flesh out and explain more about because it will help paint a solid personal description for you in the imaginative mind of the reader.

Honestly, I can't describe myself well so really, thank you. Your advice is very helpful! and, beside the content, how do you think about the grammar? It's seems I have to try harder.

I am Prima Sabrina Ndaru Lestari, commonly known as Prima.


A subject and verb agreement:


Sensei" which meanS


one who always supportS


a hospital which shareS


which is usually written

While your concern about your grammar is good to note, I don't want you worry about how you say things at this point in your essay. What is important is that you get your ideas and thoughts written, or in this case, typed out, so that you will have a starting point for your essay. Write down all of the information that you feel is necessary to properly answer the requirements of the essay the best way you know how. Then format it into the required essay format. Post it in this thread again so that it can be reviewed and revised by the forum members. Once you feel confident about the content of the essay, what I mean is, if you feel that the essay already best represents who you are in the context of the prompt, then we can start working on any grammar problems. The grammar problems should be the least of your worries. Those can be corrected and improved upon the minute you feel confident with the content of the essay as you wrote it. After all, what good is excellent grammar if you are using words that do not fit the meaning of your essay or lack essence in such a way that the words used does not enhance the overall content of the paper? Do your best and we will help you polish the rest :-)