Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width   Posts: 2


'My parents-the moral guides' - UC Prompt #1



orchestranerd71 2 / 5  
Nov 30, 2011   #1
Describe the world you come from -- for example, your family, community or school -- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

This is what I have so far. I just need to add on the part about my mom.
Give ANY feedback please! Thanks :)

My parents-the moral guides that have led me through confusion, anger, and sorrow-are my greatest and most substantial influence. As an only child, in a family of three, born into the rural woodsy hills of Woodacre, and raised in the waterside refinery town-Martinez, Ca-I have spent all seventeen years of my life living in a small, yet loving home. In spite of all the positive influential opinions I have gathered from my friends and teachers throughout the learning years of my life, the majority of my goals and actions have been impacted by, no other, than my mom and dad.

When I was just six years old I wanted to be a cartoonist. I loved drawing doodles of animated characters from those how-to-sketch books, and smearing paint across those thick textured art pads. I was so young, yet so determined to be an artist for the rest of my adult life. When I think about where that determination and passion came from at such a young age, I realize that my father was the center to all of my artistic desires. My house, to this very day, is filled with several paintings produced by my dad. Whether it's white and green magnolia flowers, or a cream colored sail boat with large white sails, he has designed a multitude of diverse art pieces and created an inspiring atmosphere. Although, as a young adult, I can't say I still want to be a cartoon artist, I still possess the same enthusiasm and ambition to work with the creative skills I attained as a child, and I know that someday my house will be filled with my personal gallery of pieces created throughout the young, and old years of my life.

npnpnp 2 / 8  
Nov 30, 2011   #2
"impacted by, no other, than my mom and dad" sounds odd. Do you mean none other than?
"animated characters from those how-to-sketch books" Maybe want to remove those and add the.

Overall your essay is good but I think to make it stronger you need to change your introduction a bit. I don't understand where the "through confusion, anger, and sorrow" comes from. It seems random because it is not shown in your essay. It would be better if you showed how their inspiration helped you through this anger, confusion, etc instead of just saying it and leaving it. I hope this helps! Sorry if im really harsh!!


Home / Undergraduate / 'My parents-the moral guides' - UC Prompt #1
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳