Ok I was initially very reluctant to share this story even with friends and GC, but as Jan 1 approaches, Im approaching desperation
First time user here, by the way, is there a limit to posting essays for you guys to look over?
Anyways, here it is...
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Five years passed after the first hour of my existence until my parents noticed a rapidly deteriorating state of affairs inside my mouth. I had inherited my grandfather's genes in this respect; I was born with a gaping diastema and enamel hypoplasia. Lucidly speaking, I had fairly noticeable gap between my front two incisors, all my teeth were yellowish in color, and as the very first dental appointments soon revealed, the situation was almost bound to get worse.
In retrospect, I often wonder if my parents or dentists were at fault in seemingly dismissing such a significant aspect of my physiognomy and brushing it off as simply as "We'll deal with it when we deal with it". They seemed almost not concerned with potential ramifications that would almost certainly arise when I would have to mix with other individuals who would not be so keen on brushing aside such qualities.
It was only until middle school did the predicament show its true colors. The children were brutal; they looked with their greedy eyes for bad apples with which they could single out and toy with, and consequently make themselves feel more at home as they climbed up the social hierarchy and save themselves from the wrath that reigned below. And indeed, as soon as I opened my mouth to speak for the first time as a sixth-grader, I bared my soul for all to see. As cliché as it may seem, there were indeed two individuals of the "in" crowd that took it to a whole new level. Their words broke and battered me, to say the least, almost to the point that I would have preferred sticks and stones a hundred times over. And through it all, my parents remained as oblivious as ever, as I, living up to be the coward I was told I was, conveyed nothing.
Time, post-puberty maturation, a relocation to Bangladesh after seventh grade (truly impeccable timing!), and the promise of a fix-all dental treatment sometime in the near future slowly healed my wounds. I sought after further catalysts in warm glow of fresh books, new friends who were scarce to recoil at my fangs, and participation in various outreach programs that, for the first time in my life, instilled within me a sense of direction, albeit rather vague at the time. Though we were not very well off ourselves in terms of monetary assets, the blaring disparities in all aspects of life between even the closest of socio-economic classes demanded my immediate attention.
Having been through the mires of depreciation, pessimism, and depression, I truly felt as if I had no where to go but up. I have come to appreciate all that I have to be thankful for a thousand times over. A strong, healthy individual-- an athlete by many standards-- with no explicit diseases of the body, I am. And how could I ever choose to overlook that in lieu of miniscule physiognomical imperfections which in the grand scheme of things, matters not? How could I possibly overlook the fact that my status quo fulfills the paramount aspects of Maslow's hierarchy, and that through the lens at least three-quarters of the global population, I am leading a life of luxury beyond the wildest of dreams? And how could I ever go turn my back on the remarkable individuals I have personally met the world over and have become acquainted with, and say that despite all the blatant advantages I have over them in every facet of life, that I could be anything less than superlatively content? Nay, life is good!
Life is good.
-It is within word limit
-does it sound dry or too dramatic?
-is it too personal? is the topic interesting at all?
Yes, there is a limit. We can only review one essay per thread. So if you have 3 essays, that means you have to post 3 threads and it will be reviewed as you post it. Now, as for your questions about your essay:
1. Since you did not inform us about the word limit specified for the essay, I can't really tell if you went over the word limit or not. Most long essays have a minimum or maximum of 250 words. You should be able to tell the word limit better than we, as reviewers, can.
2 It definitely sounds dramatic. Then again, you are trying to create an interesting hook and keep the reader glued to the story you have to tell so the drama you tried to inject into it is understandable. Although, there are times when the essay becomes cliche-ish already because of the drama you are depicting.
3. Central identity essays require you to get personal. Otherwise we won't get an idea of who you are as a person and how the events in your life have affected the development of your personality and mindset. So yes, the essay is personal to the extent that is required in order to relay your story.
4. The topic is pretty uncommon since it deals with dental issues, but the bullying aspect and how you had to overcome the adversities set before you by this slight physical imperfection made the story easier to relate to and helped people understand what you had to go through during that time.
What makes your essay work in my point of view in the closing statement. I was afraid that you were going to leave the essay hanging with all of the questions you posed but then you came around with your answer, "Life is good" and I thought to myself, Abu nailed this essay with that single comment about his life and its relation to his central identity. You have shown that you do not allow the imperfection to define you but rather, you define who you are, regardless of the treatment you receive from other people.
Wow that was really quick! Thank you so very much!
If I am to understand correctly, you do think this essay works as a whole (and would thus consequently suffice, I guess, as my gereanl common app essay) rate 6.5 or 7/10?
1. I was merely staating that the essay as it is is within word limit.
2. Any ideas what specific parts are overly dramatic/and if you want any suggestions?
3. Was I able to bring myself to life?
These are jsut some further questions, if you're really bored or something lol
Thank you again, truly, for your answer!
I would rate it a 7. Then again, I am not an expert so don't take my word for it. What I see as excellent may be viewed differently by an admissions officer reviewing your work. You were able to bring yourself to life on paper through the events that you depicted. However, the events are quite heavy and numerous to discuss within a single essay. I would suggest that you cut down the part about the bullying due to the imperfection. Since the events depicted there are pretty common among the victims of bullying, actually shortening the incident for yourself will help draw more attention to the other aspects of the essay such as your ability to have overcome the adversities in your life and the fact that you came out of the experience almost totally unscathed emotionally and mentally.
Hmm.. yes I see what you mean there.
But the problem there is I think I only really focused on the bullying really (with ample word space devoted to the before and after) and how it has affected my perspective..
This is definitely pretty hard though lol
One last question if and only if you have time: what specific bits seemed overly dramatic?
Thanks for the input again, vang!
