"passion for animals" - Clark Supplement

Clark's motto is: 'Challenge Convention and Change Our World,' and it means something different to each member of the Clark University community. In what ways have you embraced the Clark motto in your own life, or how would you like to in the future?

My passion for animals has inspired me to embrace this motto multiple times during my life. As a young child visiting the Islamabad zoo, while other children threw rocks at hyenas, I was appalled by the dreadful conditions suffered by the majestic creatures. While other children wrote to Santa Claus asking for toys, I asked my mother for the zoo administrator's address, and wrote him a letter pleading for better conditions for the elephants. Today, I continue to sign my name on various letters of protest sent out by PETA.

A few years ago, I chose to give up eating meat. Though in western culture, this may not seem significant, when I visit Pakistan, both friends and family question my decision. Meat consumption is a status symbol there, and my refusal to eat it puzzles many. Nevertheless, I continue to munch on carrot sticks while they salivate over chicken-wings.

While some may argue that one person giving up meat makes no difference and my pro-animal rights stance is insignificant, I can smile and say that I have changed the world for at least two animals: Milou, my shelter dog, and Limpi, my street cat.

I'm not sure about the last sentence - it doesn't seem to fit in, but I couldn't think of another way to end it. Any suggestions?

While some Some humans may argue that one person giving up meat makes no difference, but I am understood by Milou, my shelter dog, and Limpi, my street cat. They understand that the way to change the world is ______________. -----Maybe that will help you!!

This is great! I think you should add one sentence to each paragraph to highlight clearly how your actions were in opposition to the conventions... it is pretty clear, but I think you can make it clearer... and it will be good if you use the word 'convention" at least once in the essay.

:-)

You use the word "while" too much to begin a sentence. Maybe change that a little bit to reduce redundancy. I really like your respond. And about the last sentence I do think it is a bit out of topic, you should mention your pets, since they really show how you care about them, but it does not relate to the first part of the sentence (not eating meat). Maybe you can make a new paragraph stating how happy you are to help them, and SHOW how have you helped them. A great deal of a good essay is SHOWING and not just TELLING. In general, is a great respond.

By the way, as the previous poster say you mauy want to include part of the motto or how you challenge convention in your essay ( remember to show and not just tell ) :)!! God luck xD!

By the way check my essay please. The one abut Georgia Tech :) Thanks in advance.

Shandana

Shandana,

thank fo your feedback my essay. I have made some changes which you can review for me

Heres my feedback on yours:
First paragraph:

My passion for animals has often led me to challenge convention in the hopes of changing the world. When I visited Islamabad zoo as a young child, I saw other children throwing rocks at hyenas. I was appalled by the dreadful conditions suffered by the majestic creature.

Last Paragraph

People who argue that one person giving up meat makes no difference, need to remember that when Mahatma Ghandi gave up his food, the Indian Subcontinent was changed forever. My decision to buck convention is a spark that will spread through my interaction with others, leading to change one little action at a time.

Oh thanks, but I submitted this a week ago

Shandana,
No sweat. I pray you are accepted soon. can you kindly check out the revised version of my essay. i have incorporated your suggestions. i submit in a couple of days.

thanks,

Kofi