I've read over this dozens of times and I feel as if I'm missing something but I can't put my finger on it! I appreciate all constructive criticism and feedback- don't be shy!
This is the full question:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
This is my statement so far:
When friends and family ask me what I would like to do, or what my interests are, one specific activity comes to mind. It's not a hobby like knitting, scrap-booking, or collecting stamps. This interest came about as I started to travel with my family as well as with my school; I love traveling, exploring, and wandering through places new and old. My ultimate goal is to become accustomed with different cultures and ways of life of people all across the world, and to become an international business student through an education at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. By studying at your university and abroad, I will bring the concepts of global awareness, collaboration with others to meet business goals, the and an overall desire to see what the world and the multifaceted culture from within and without the UW community has to provide.
Ever since I was a child, my family has provided me with the opportunity to visit places all over the map, from within the United States to countries in different continents. The first time I left the country to see a new place occurred five years ago; I visited the country from which my family originated: Ukraine. Even though I can speak the language, Russian, I felt a bit reluctant to go because I didn't know how I would feel visiting a place I'm not used to. After the first couple days of visiting landmarks and coming across the different types of architecture, the cultural history, and the livelihood of the city Odessa, I realized that my passion lies in this type of setting. In the years following after, my family and I had the fortunate opportunity to visit countries elsewhere, such as Israel, Austria, and Mexico, which further added to my love of traveling. On a two-week trip with a group from my high school, I traveled to England, France, Switzerland, and Italy. Without my family in this trip, I discovered new things about myself: things that I never pondered before. In the past, I considered myself to be a reclusive person who is resistant to change. Through this travel, I realized that I could live and study on my own, interact with others in many different settings, and become educated through these types of experiences. I can expand my horizons to an international level and work with others who have similar aspirations. My admittance to the University of Wisconsin-Madison will contribute to my passion for travel and education in the melting pot of social and cultural differences present in the diverse social body of your university, to which I can contribute to as well.
I feel like I sound superficial and too general. Any recommendations?
Thanks!
This is the full question:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
This is my statement so far:
When friends and family ask me what I would like to do, or what my interests are, one specific activity comes to mind. It's not a hobby like knitting, scrap-booking, or collecting stamps. This interest came about as I started to travel with my family as well as with my school; I love traveling, exploring, and wandering through places new and old. My ultimate goal is to become accustomed with different cultures and ways of life of people all across the world, and to become an international business student through an education at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. By studying at your university and abroad, I will bring the concepts of global awareness, collaboration with others to meet business goals, the and an overall desire to see what the world and the multifaceted culture from within and without the UW community has to provide.
Ever since I was a child, my family has provided me with the opportunity to visit places all over the map, from within the United States to countries in different continents. The first time I left the country to see a new place occurred five years ago; I visited the country from which my family originated: Ukraine. Even though I can speak the language, Russian, I felt a bit reluctant to go because I didn't know how I would feel visiting a place I'm not used to. After the first couple days of visiting landmarks and coming across the different types of architecture, the cultural history, and the livelihood of the city Odessa, I realized that my passion lies in this type of setting. In the years following after, my family and I had the fortunate opportunity to visit countries elsewhere, such as Israel, Austria, and Mexico, which further added to my love of traveling. On a two-week trip with a group from my high school, I traveled to England, France, Switzerland, and Italy. Without my family in this trip, I discovered new things about myself: things that I never pondered before. In the past, I considered myself to be a reclusive person who is resistant to change. Through this travel, I realized that I could live and study on my own, interact with others in many different settings, and become educated through these types of experiences. I can expand my horizons to an international level and work with others who have similar aspirations. My admittance to the University of Wisconsin-Madison will contribute to my passion for travel and education in the melting pot of social and cultural differences present in the diverse social body of your university, to which I can contribute to as well.
I feel like I sound superficial and too general. Any recommendations?
Thanks!