1 in 8 people are pathological liars. I was one. I'm not going to sit here and blame peers, parents, or some distinct traumatic event. For the past decade of my life, I had been trying to convince myself and those around me that I was perfect. That I was interesting. That I was a great person people should look up to. And for the next 400 words, I'm going to try to convince both you, and myself, that I'm not an evil person. To be honest this isn't a story I want to tell, because I'm so unsettled by the person I was. So let me provide context.
I didn't just intentionally wake up one day and decide to start being a jerk. I recognize that my tendency to lie surfaced from deep-rooted insecurities. However, little nine-year-old me wasn't doing therapeutic deep dives on my emotional health. She instead decided it would be easier to tell little white lies to feel better about herself. Dramatizing my achievements and designing stories to make me sound interesting was quite common for me. As lies became more intricate, escaping my internal struggles became a common practice. Eventually lying became as natural as breathing. In time I began seeing how my actions were affecting those around me, and the guilt was weighing on my conscience. Initially, I sought validation and acceptance but, in doing so, I ended up sabotaging my relationships by pushing people away.
The feeling you get when you don't want to let someone down, and knowing you're about to, is awfully unique. I faced this reality when I deeply hurt someone I cared for with one of my "little" lies. I realized that now in every room I was the 1 in 8 people. This changed my perspective and started what was a very confrontational period of my life. I never enjoyed lying, I enjoyed feeling like I belonged. It was a desperate emotional attempt, after years of being overshadowed by peers. Trying to change what became natural to me was painful and difficult, but was what was best for me. The rough transition caused me to question myself. I found myself in a world of guilt I didn't know was reachable. I felt like a monster. "How could I hurt those so close to me?", I asked myself.
As I continue to navigate this path, I do so with the understanding that I am not alone. Recognizing our imperfections is key to self-discovery. I still work on not seeing myself as a deceitful person, but rather as a recovering con artist trying to improve. After years of work and self-reflection, I can confidently say I'm not the person I used to be. By confronting and overcoming my insecurities, I was able to develop self-confidence, which has enabled me to grow and thrive. After all, people lie because they fear the truth, so ask yourself what you're afraid of and the answer usually reveals a self-dislike. So, what are your thoughts? Do you think I'm evil?
I didn't just intentionally wake up one day and decide to start being a jerk. I recognize that my tendency to lie surfaced from deep-rooted insecurities. However, little nine-year-old me wasn't doing therapeutic deep dives on my emotional health. She instead decided it would be easier to tell little white lies to feel better about herself. Dramatizing my achievements and designing stories to make me sound interesting was quite common for me. As lies became more intricate, escaping my internal struggles became a common practice. Eventually lying became as natural as breathing. In time I began seeing how my actions were affecting those around me, and the guilt was weighing on my conscience. Initially, I sought validation and acceptance but, in doing so, I ended up sabotaging my relationships by pushing people away.
The feeling you get when you don't want to let someone down, and knowing you're about to, is awfully unique. I faced this reality when I deeply hurt someone I cared for with one of my "little" lies. I realized that now in every room I was the 1 in 8 people. This changed my perspective and started what was a very confrontational period of my life. I never enjoyed lying, I enjoyed feeling like I belonged. It was a desperate emotional attempt, after years of being overshadowed by peers. Trying to change what became natural to me was painful and difficult, but was what was best for me. The rough transition caused me to question myself. I found myself in a world of guilt I didn't know was reachable. I felt like a monster. "How could I hurt those so close to me?", I asked myself.
As I continue to navigate this path, I do so with the understanding that I am not alone. Recognizing our imperfections is key to self-discovery. I still work on not seeing myself as a deceitful person, but rather as a recovering con artist trying to improve. After years of work and self-reflection, I can confidently say I'm not the person I used to be. By confronting and overcoming my insecurities, I was able to develop self-confidence, which has enabled me to grow and thrive. After all, people lie because they fear the truth, so ask yourself what you're afraid of and the answer usually reveals a self-dislike. So, what are your thoughts? Do you think I'm evil?
