To be a patient and a volunteer alternately - Johns Hopkins Supplemental 'interests' essay

Johns Hopkins University was founded in 1876 on a spirit of exploration and discovery. As a result, students can pursue a multi-dimensional undergraduate experience both in and outside of the classroom. Given the opportunities at Hopkins, please discuss your current interests (academic, extracurricular, personal passions, summer experiences, etc.) and how you will build upon them here.

(300-500 Word limit)

The sun creeps up to bathe the pair of Blue Jays (a good omen, I suppose?) nesting near my windowsill in a warm, ethereal glow, the tree leaves with a sparkling tint of gold and my bedroom with a blinding light that throbs at my temples. I utter an indiscernible groan, as I will my eyes to open. Yet, as I attempt to make sense of the world through the clutter that is my mind, I find myself smiling at the thought of continuing my conversations with Nikki about her wanting to rejoin the senior citizen's recreational softball team and with Emeril, my supervisor, about how he planned to backpack in Europe once he retires.

As I spin through the revolving door, I am always greeted by the familiar scents of the earthy, slightly tartness of Starbucks coffee and the aromatic flowers; which, according to my supervisor, are secretly sprayed with perfume (they smell great nonetheless). At Holy Name, I like to see myself as a source of comic relief for the men and women at my designated floor, 5 Chadwick. I refrain from using the term "patients" and "volunteer" as it tends to oversimplify the often times complex relationship between volunteers and patients to "helpers" and "help-ees". There have been numerous accounts where there was a role reversal where I was the "patient" and they were the "volunteers". Whether it be to cheer me up on a particularly gloomy day or to offer to hear my problems, these people have been an invaluable aspect within my life. At Johns Hopkins University, I intend to continue with this mentality as I become a part of Hopkins' Center for Social Concern. The CSC's motto of service with others rather than service to others resonated with my own belief in mutual, beneficial relationships between those helping and those in need. Here I would get to work with like-minded individuals whose outlook on the community revolves learning from each other, whilst appreciating all that life has given us.

Christopher, try to balance out your discussion by properly representing each aspect as indicated in the prompt. As the university explains, there are a host of opportunities available to students both academically and socially at John Hopkins, so you should make sure to reflect the kind of well rounded development that you have the opportunity to experience there.

Right now, your essay sounds more whimsical and more concentrated on the extra curricular and socio-civic aspect of the learning experience. There is a clear lack of academic concentration which can help to explain how you will develop as a student at the university. What kind of classes would be of interest to you and why? You can continue with your whimsical narrative, just include the academic experience that you plan to build on as well. After all, JHU is a place for education and there is a reason and purpose for your opting to attend that school. Make sure that the reviewer realizes that in the essay.

thank you for the criticism . I wrote the essay mostly regarding the social aspects because I wrote my Common App essay on my inteneded major Engineering and I do not want to seem like a close minded individual who only delves into academics

also, how is the grammar, rhetoric, sentence structure, etc...?