Hello!
Thank you for giving me feedback! Anything is really appreciated.
Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Word Count: 361/650[/b] (I obviously have a lot of space, so if there are any suggestions on what else I can add please let me know!)
Goal: I was hoping to convey my interest in math and patterns, while also getting across that I love problem solving, can concentrate, is interested in everything, never gives up, and thinks outside-the-box.
Twenty-three minutes. The flowery movement of the rotating cubes jerks slightly as a result of my rushed twist. I glance back up at the cramped screen snuggled into the back of the seat in front of me. Twenty-two minutes. Of the six hour flight that frequented my summers, two thirds have been devoted to "The Boy in Striped Pajamas" and Backgammon, but the last third was reserved specially for the Rubik's cube- yet I was no closer to solving the puzzle than when I had started.
Two hours is an exhausting length to be working on single object. But for me, it is part of my daily lifestyle in which I devote massive focus to anything that grabs my attention (which could be multifarious things). It was due to this quality that I never felt truly bored in my life. As a child, I entertained myself in kilometer long lies at Innovation Conventions and Disneyland by counting (fibonacci numbers were useful for counting potted flowers or beams across ceilings). Later on, my mind became intrigued with applying the aforementioned mathematics to patterns in nature (especially the Widmanstätten-like patterns and various fractals). Today, I do not simply notice the patterns, but incorporate into the way people act: how someone decides train timetables, looks at Sagittarius in the night sky, chooses clothing colours for a film and designs Olympic venues.
The world is so unusually unique and wonders numbering billions that I have yet to discover. I know that my goal to understand the universe will take a lifetime, but to ensure that I address each detail thoroughly, I practice every task to near perfection. The understanding that another new challenge awaits and an old puzzle awaits polishing drives me to strive everyday.
My eyes fall up from the cube to the screen. 14 minutes. The Rubik's cube lies neatly solved in my hand- although completed in an unorthodox way (I took it completely apart and reassembled it like Tony Stark or Leo Valdez). I might not have solved the puzzle as said on the instructions sheet, but with the help of the community, I can write my own solutions.
Hi Eri, this is a well-written essay indeed. You have successfully attract the reader in unusual way by the interesting story of yours. Not all people can write a personal statement that is uniquely attractive. I believe that your goal has been accomplished. However, there is no perfect writing after-all. Some additions or alterations are still needed to improve or fulfill the maximum words limit. Therefore, you can see them in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.
- First of all, you can proofread your essay more carefully, especially related to your grammatical range and accuracy. You can also avoid creating fragmented sentence (sentence that misses its subject or verb) . The last sentence of the third paragraph is one of the examples of fragmented sentence that you have created.
- Second of all, it is related to your content. This "but with the help of the community" seems come out of nowhere. You've never mentioned anything about "community" at all in your essay but why did you write with the help of community? I think that you need to elaborate more or give the reader a background what community that you mean. What kind of help that you expect? This would be beneficial in fulfilling the maximum words limit.
There you have it Eri, do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. You can just post the revision below my message. Good luck in revising this essay :)
