"Performing art in Centre Pompidou"-- Common activity essay

After some discussion with my friends and counselor, I decide to write about this art experience instead of China's anniversary. I'm applying for Early Action so it's only a few days before deadline. Please give me your comments!! Thank you all!!!!

Topic: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (150 words or fewer).

Chilled by its skeleton-like appearance, I embraced myself in front of the haggard bride statue. Participating in WEMUNC Art Program, my friends and I were visiting Centre Pompidou and appreciating modern arts. While Picasso's paintings and Alexander Calder's sculptures were fascinating, what I enjoyed most was creating ways to honestly reflect my ideas. I danced beside a trash-made cube which impassioned me with extreme color contrasts. Facing a canvas of peacefully overlapping circles, I enclosed myself in a woolen, cozy scarf to convey a sense of tranquility. People gazed at me, some smiling, some frowning, while others slightly shaking heads. But I just took joy experimenting performance art and expressing myself, not afraid of being stared at. I knew it is being myself that is the real challenge and essence of art-and life, and now that I had the courage to do so, there was nothing to fear.

(there are already 150 words...)

It's amazing. I'm nitpicking here.


and


In both of these, the power of the sentence constrution is somewhat nullifed by their similarity, I think. It would be much more striking if you switched the order of the clauses of one of the sentences in each of the pairs.


You might want to try 'being myself'... that's the only place in the entire essay that you switched to third person.

The content is good but I think you could perhaps cut the sentence length? When I read it the number of commas seemed overwhelming so try to have a mix of both long and short sentences to make it more effective.

Nisha and Isha,
thank you for your advice! I'll surely change my sentence construction.

I revised my essay and changed some sentences, about my dance, others' reactions, and my responses. What do you think of it now?
There is one thing i'm pretty unsure about. Should i use past tense or present tense in my last sentence?

Thank you all!!

The whole essay is great to read right up until I get to this sentence:
I knew it is being myself that is the real challenge and essence of art-and life, and now that I had the courage to do so, there was nothing to fear.

Present verb tense, and simplify:
I know it is being myself that is the real challenge and essence of art (and life) is to be myself, and now that I had the courage to do so, there is nothing to fear.