'to persevere and to excel' - NYU Supplement

Apart from the choice of selecting college, I believe what I'm doing is more like a process of finding the home of next four year. As I step into the gateway of a college, I become an young adult who will have her brand-new life awaits. And this brand-new life should be congested of possiblities. Even though I have my future planned, still, I want to try variey of different things in the university. So I want to find a place, a place which can ensure no matter what I will love, what I will get involved, I can be embraced and understood. I admire the positive attitude of new idea and personal interests that NYU shows.and I believe the liberal air which spreads all over on the campus of New York University will encourage me pursue the success I yearn for. Drowned in the open atmosphere drived from the New York City, I know I can trust that New York University is the right place for me.

Why NYU? Because I need to fly under her wings, to persevere and to excel.

Any comment or revision will be welcomed! Thx a lot!

Apart from the task of selecting a college, I believe what I'm doing is more like a process of finding the home of next four years .

As I step through the gateway of a college, I become a young adult who will have her brand-new life awaiting .

And this brand-new life should be congested withpossibilities .

Even though I have my future planned, still, I want to try variety of different things in the university.

So I want to find a place, a place which can ensure no matter what I will love, what I will get involved in , I can be embraced and understood.

I admire the positive attitude of new ideas and personal interests that NYU shows, and I believe the liberal air which spreads all over on the campus of New York University will encourage me pursue the success I yearn for.

Drowned in the open atmosphere derived from the New York City, I know I can trust that New York University is the right place for me.

Nice ending! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Your essay needs some work. First off you need to get more specific about why NYU is for you. It is a chance for you to show why you will fit in at this school. For example you might talk about how it is a reputable school in terms of the department associated with your major. You might talk about how your ethnicity or heritage might come into play in selecting this school, if applicable. You need to show that you have done your research; that you really know something about this school. You say you want to try a variety of different things at the NYU, well what things interest you and how do they tie in to NYU. The essay has in it your basic message, which just needs to be refined and then expanded upon.

Second you need to find someway to set yourself apart from other applicants with this essay. You say that selecting a school is like finding a home for the next four years, but this is true for anyone looking for a school; this opening does not really have any punch to it. You also talk about how you trust that NYU is for you, I would not use this wording because It sounds like you are guessing. You need to convince NYU admissions that it is perfect for you.

Thanks for your comment! I will try to find more details to prove I'm the best candidate!

Could you please help me to revise this one?
#2Regardless of whether or not you have an intended major or concentration, please elaborate on an academic area of interest and how you wish to explore it at NYU's campuses in New York or Abu Dhabi or at one of our global academic centers around the world. Please share any activities or experiences you have had that have cultivated your intellectual interests leading you to choose to study at the NYU campus of your choice.

My great interests in business never being discovered until I participated a program named Management and Economic Simulation Exercise. Forty students were sperated into 8 teams, and each team was a company. We made the commercial decisions, aiming to make the highest net profit. The "company" which won the highest net profit was the winner. To my excitement, I was elected to be the CEO of our "company" and what was even better was because of the excellent team work under my control, our "company" became to winner.

The exhilaring feeling of getting the maxing profits lingered in my heart for a long time. And since we had to analyse countless charts and data while we were competing, the numbers were no longer dull symbols for me, instead it became meaningful figures which was dancing cheerfully.

But the success in simulation never really satisfied me. So I want to explore more in NYU, majoring the economics which I showed great interests in since I understand that it is the basis of all business study. Realizing the strong academic and great opportunities that NYU offers, I determine that NYU is the best place to start my career. And needless to say, NYC, the center of world, also tempts me to walk in her arms to encounter the infinite possiblities.

You use some good language and description in some areas but not others. Try to refrain from saying "thing" or using the word "and" at the beginning of a sentence. Have someone go over your grammatical errors and it would be a decent response.