Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I've decided to write about my stillborn brother and how he influenced me to major in pharmacy. (His death was a side effect of prescription medication). I'm genuinely interested in going into pharmacy school and he's only one factor, but I feel that dedicating my college essay to him can hopefully make an impact on the admission counselors. I know that I'm not supposed to focus on him as this essay is about me but it's really hard! I keep revising my introduction and body paragraphs. Here are two intros I have:
When I gaze at the neatly framed photo on the wall across my bed, memories instantly play through my head like a movie. I rewind the tape twelve years back when I was roughly four years old. My mother's beaming face when she showed me the sonogram of my soon-to-be baby brother with his tiny feet and balled up fists floods my mind. Fast forward a few months and I am anticipating the day when I could finally become a proud, big sister. I remember waiting impatiently by the door for my parents to come home from the hospital but when they did, their arms were empty and their faces emaciated. I then knew my brother was not coming home.
OR
First was the little white stick my mother got extremely ecstatic over merely by looking at it. Not long after came heaps of "Big Sister!" shirts and frequent trips to the mall for clothes that looked way too large to fit either of my parents. The next few months were loaded with appointments to the same place: a tiny room with walls lined with various pictures of babies and a rather lengthy chair next to an odd beeping machine I never got used to. Each visit was rewarded with a fuzzy black and white picture displayed on the machine . Though I was only roughly four years old, I knew what was coming. I was going to be a proud sister very soon.
Please criticize as much as you like! How should I transition into my body paragraphs? Which intro is better? Should I come up with a better one? Thanks!
I've decided to write about my stillborn brother and how he influenced me to major in pharmacy. (His death was a side effect of prescription medication). I'm genuinely interested in going into pharmacy school and he's only one factor, but I feel that dedicating my college essay to him can hopefully make an impact on the admission counselors. I know that I'm not supposed to focus on him as this essay is about me but it's really hard! I keep revising my introduction and body paragraphs. Here are two intros I have:
When I gaze at the neatly framed photo on the wall across my bed, memories instantly play through my head like a movie. I rewind the tape twelve years back when I was roughly four years old. My mother's beaming face when she showed me the sonogram of my soon-to-be baby brother with his tiny feet and balled up fists floods my mind. Fast forward a few months and I am anticipating the day when I could finally become a proud, big sister. I remember waiting impatiently by the door for my parents to come home from the hospital but when they did, their arms were empty and their faces emaciated. I then knew my brother was not coming home.
OR
First was the little white stick my mother got extremely ecstatic over merely by looking at it. Not long after came heaps of "Big Sister!" shirts and frequent trips to the mall for clothes that looked way too large to fit either of my parents. The next few months were loaded with appointments to the same place: a tiny room with walls lined with various pictures of babies and a rather lengthy chair next to an odd beeping machine I never got used to. Each visit was rewarded with a fuzzy black and white picture displayed on the machine . Though I was only roughly four years old, I knew what was coming. I was going to be a proud sister very soon.
Please criticize as much as you like! How should I transition into my body paragraphs? Which intro is better? Should I come up with a better one? Thanks!
