Greetings,
I'm writing for the UNC-Chapel Hill optional essay. It basically asks to write about something that I may not have had the chance to write anywhere else. They're asking about 250 words. Thank you for your time!
BEGIN ----
From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico; I have covered quite some air and successfully at that. Yet, compared to my parents' travel repertoire, it's not very impressive. They would be moving again, about seventy miles away to Santa Fe.
I stayed in Taos. I wanted to finish junior year at Taos High. For two months, I stayed with my best friend's family. It would not be the first time I would be apart from my parents for quite some time. Until I was nearly fourteen, I lived in the Philippines with my cousins while they were overseas. In my eyes, my parents were just really good roommates-who also happened to pay for my lodging, food and incidentals.
For thirteen years, my parents sent money every year to the Philippines for my schooling and other necessities. I was very grateful for it (and still am) but I never really felt anything other than gratitude for them. My grandparents were the ones who disciplined me; my neighbors who drilled street smarts into me; my aunts and uncles who taught me the alphabet. My parents really had no impact on my character. However, during that two month separation after I have spent significant time with them, I realized how much their absence has contributed to who I am today. I learned to be independent but still recognize the importance of support.
END ----
This is my first draft. I wanted to write about my ability to be like a "chameleon" in different environments yet ended up writing about my parents.
Hi Steph,, wow...! I see u've been living in many places.. well,, that's a good point actually..it shows that u're able to adapt to different kinds of environments=)
I really like ur essay, especially the opening paragraph, I enjoyed reading it..=)
but this point to the end of the essay kinda got me confused :
They really had no impact on my character. But after those two months of separation, I realized why they chose to be absent: they don't know parenting. I agree but they are trying. I admire them for keeping up with a teenager even with their lack of experience. Their act taught me that just because there is this unknown you have not traversed does not mean you should ignore it either.
whom do u refer to in the word 'they'? ur parents or ur relatives n grandparents who's been taking care of u? They really had no impact on my character. why? it's rather abstruse.
so I think u already realize that u were digressing from ur initial topic, I think, u should choose which one u wanna write about tho. cuz it's only a short essay, I think writing both would be hard, and ur essay wud end up rather confusing. I suggest u go with writing about being that chameleon, and perhaps also tell about how u've got used to tackle ur own problem without ur parents around.. I think that will make a great point =))
this is just my suggestion, hope it'll help!=))
Good Luck! =))
Thanks for the feedback jane!
I'm referring to my parents when I say they. I think I'm going to write about how I'm doing without my parents around.
Here's an edited version:
...
Can someone please help me with my introduction? I think my introduction is very weak.
I think my introduction is very weak.
Yes, I was going to say the first sentences are weak. But you write well!! They are only weak because you try to express more than you can in that amount of space. Just identify the experience you actually want the reader to have.
From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico, I have covered quite some air.
and successfully at that . Yet, compared to my parents' travel repertoire, it's not very impressive.
They would be moving again, about seventy miles away to Santa Fe. (replace this with a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay, or an idea that you want to PLANT in the readers mind!! :-)
I learned to be independent but still recognize the importance of support.---wow, very good. I think it gets very good here at the end.
So, about that intro... you should just simplify it and make it clear. Succinctly tell the reader the situation. But before you do, hook the attention with an intriguing sentence that hints at the theme -- a sentence about the way absence can influence someone.
:-)
Kevin, thank you for affirming my suspicions! :) It really helps.
Please take a look at my new intro.
----
A Chinese proverb states that "a child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark." Yet my parents' mark was not really a mark. They were always too busy and moved often; they would be moving again to Santa Fe.
----
Not too sure about my last sentence here. Though, I'd really need some sort of transition sentence from the intro to the 2nd paragraph. Unless, I just change a part of the 2nd paragraph too.
Again, thank you Kevin!
It's very much better Steph=))
great job!=)) hehe
Ur opening sentence is nice, but yeah, I do agree that the last sentence is rather odd. But I'm not sure of what I can do with that. so sorry T_T
Let's hope Kevin will check this out again X_X
From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico; I have covered quite some air and successfully at that. Yet, compared to my parents' travel repertoire, it's not very impressive. They would be moving again, about seventy miles away to Santa Fe.(Here I would say something about being young and dependent on others around you to provide morally what a parent does)
I stayed in Taos in order to finish junior year at Taos High. For two months, I stayed with my best friend's family. It would not be the first time I would be apart from my parents for a lengthly period of time. Until I was nearly fourteen, I lived in the Philippines with my cousins while they were overseas__tell us where thy were _. To me, my parents were just really good roommates-who also happened to pay for my lodging, food and incidentals.
For thirteen years, my parents sent money every year to the Philippines for my schooling and other necessities. I was very grateful for it, and still am, but I never really felt anything other than gratitude for them. My grandparents were the ones who disciplined me; my neighbors who drilled street smarts into me; my aunts and uncles who taught me the alphabet. My parents really had no impact on my character. However, during the two month separation after I have spent significant time with them, I realized how much their absence has contributed to who I am today. I learned to be independent but still recognize the importance of support.
A Chinese proverb states that "a child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark." Yet my parents' mark was not really a mark. They were always too busy and moved often, leaving me alone with friends and family.; they would be moving again to Santa Fe.
I agree with you that the last sentence sounds like it doesn't belong there. I don't necessarily think that admissions people need to know where they moved as this essay is about you and they can easily check your app for their address. I think it's more important to bring some flow to your essay by slightly revealing that your friends and family have made the most impact on you. Good luck and I hope I helped!