Hi.I need some help here..I am applying as a transfer to U.Wisconsin-Madison.I could really use your comments to improve my personal statements.There are two essays.
Here is the first one:
#1 Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.
I don't know what I reflect in my essay.Might be quite cheesy,irrelevant or maybe I put unnecessary thing in here.Thanks for your help! :)
I talked about ambition as early as 7 years old. That was when my class teacher courteously put in my report card three best ambition she could think of-clerk, policemen and teacher. Three of which were not even close to what I have on mind. Every kid would love to be what suppose to be the most high profile profession that a seven year old could think of-a doctor. I made myself believe in this ambition until I was 17. Having my steps ahead in study comparing to my other friends, the picture of becoming a doctor has never become so real to me. However my doubt arises every time I have encounter with medical experience. I am always among the people who don't looks up to medical checkup and dental checkup at my school. If I have the choice, I would want to be the last person to take immunization shot at my school. The fear towards medical procedure had brought me to my sense and I'm left with no ambition.
When I was 17, my school held a mock-interview as a preparation for student who might want to apply for scholarship. I figured out medicine was no for me and tried pushing myself toward pharmacy. However when I put many thoughts on it, I was never the one who have the consistency in the drug discipline, clearly a sign showing pharmacy is not what I should venture in. Then, as I allow myself to freely discover myself my buried interest in food science came to me. The first time I discover this interesting field of study was when I was 15, browsing through a magazine when my eyes caught on the article regarding production of ice cream from rice by a group of researchers in University Putra Malaysia (UPM)- the vanguard of agricultural research and development in Malaysia. I also found another research in producing hot ice cream, how we might want to eat ice-cream in the middle of a winter. The combination of biology, chemistry and physics put into work just fascinate me and I fell in love with food science with no doubts. From my point of view, the spirit in food science and technology is "Why not, this might be the next greatest thing after yogurt!" and I found this exciting, more like a quest to cater human never ending need and desire.
The best thing about food science is we get a chance to talk touch the society. I imagine myself going to school and speak to the children and educating society. Food science give us not only the power of food innovation but to correct the wrong habits, clear off of uncertainty in food products, to bring people in the society closer together, not to mention the opportunity that lies in the food business and food processing industry. Food can be one unifying aspect, which was what I am most interested in. We get to know the people of different ethnicity by looking at their food. There are so many aspect of food science, from microbiology, food ethics to food business that I would like to engage in. Who's talking about killing a bird at one time? Combining science and social responsibility is the main reason I want to pursue my future in food science. Thus, securing a place in University of Wisconsin-Madison for food science undergraduate program would make me fulfill my purpose that I've been aiming for.
This is the second question
#2 :The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
and this is my response to that..
As a girl in a conservative society, I get the don'ts-because-you-are-a-girl often. I live that way, following the social norms and what my parents think I should not do for the most of my life. Though I've been doing great in my studies, having great circle of friends and surrounded by my supportive family, I never get to do things that I have longing to do, like playing guitar, take a random walk in the city just to explore the people and places, go on a plane to a different side of my country or even drive a car on my own considering the fact that I have a driving license. The world is full of brilliant colors, intriguing stories and the diversity culture from all walks of life, but I never get the taste of any of it. To sum up everything, I've been living safe and comfortable with a very disappointed self. It is not until I learned that persistency is the key to the door of my definition of life.
Going back in time, I found myself to be in an ugly situation. Being raised up to be indifferent, I become tolerant towards other's comments on myself. I used to pair a dress with a track bottom and not aware what kind of attention I would draw and feel nothing when people say I'm fat straight to my face. The good side is I am not controlled by the impressions people have on me or rather trying to change myself to fit their expectations. This however is proven to be detrimental to me for I've become a person who did not understand human and human reaction. I can yell to a person as harsh as I want and say all the bad things in this world. While I am being free of other people, I am stranded to myself, thinking that I am the righteous person in this world. That is precisely what I would call lack of social consciousness. The moment I realize how messed up I was, I slowly change by putting other people before me, learning how to care for other people and stopping myself from being the biggest ignorance and selfish being in the world. This is when I shape myself to become a person who looks for differences in people and to love and appreciate life as incredible as it already is.
Nevertheless, my path of gaining my identity has always not been easy for I have a very protective mother. It takes constant debate and act of responsibility to assure her that I am mature and capable of being independent. My father on the other hand, had always seen the day that I become a woman of my own. When I was a kid, I used to be afraid to talk to my father, having the feeling that I've done something wrong. On the contrary, when I was on my early teenage life I was busy pushing my thoughts and opinion to him. He is like my sparring partner as I grow up. He shaped me to be a fearless woman and truly independent of others. The thing that he thought me is be a plumber, be a technician, an economist, an analyzer-to survive in life, you cannot depend on other people but yourself.
The challenge is to gain trust from your parents while pursuing your idea of life. As I mentioned before, my key is persistency. I would not let anything to stop me from seeing the world, experiencing and exploring the diversity. As cheesy as it sound this is all true. I believe no matter where we are, human is always an interesting subject, which differences should not bring people apart but to bring them closer. I would take the opportunity to be a part of Wisconsin Madison to widen my perspective and engaging myself actively as a proud student of University of Wisconsin-Madison.
please please please do comment..
Three of which were not even close...---If you say "three of which," it has to be as a continuation of the previous sentence. It is better, in this case, to do this:
That was when my class teacher courteously put in my report card three best ambition she could think of-clerk, policemen and teacher. These three ambitions...
This is great, but I will make a little change:
Who's talking about killing only one bird at a time?
Ha ha, I like that intro for the second one. I think you should word it differently:
I often hear "don't-because-you-are-a-girl."
The moment I realize how messed up I was, I began to sl owly change by putting other people before me
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you have not been allowed to play guitar! If you are able to get a guitar, you can easily learn one shord at a time by looking online. Do you have a guitar currently? I hope so...
tolerant towards
other's others' comments on myself. --The apostrophe must go after the s because "others" is plural.
:-) I'm giving you one week to learn at least 2 chords on the guitar!!
