select two items from Wellesley 100
When choosing a college community, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. We know that there are more than 100 reasons to choose Wellesley, but it's a good place to start. Visit the Wellesley 100 and select two items that attract, inspire, or energize you. Have fun with this and use this opportunity to reflect personally on what items appeal to you most and why.
Please limit your response to the Wellesley College essay to two well-developed paragraphs (minimum 250 words, maximum 400 words).
I need your help with proofreading and feedback on the flow of my essay! Thanks in advance!
Here's my draft:
The world would be blind if language were non-existent. And for me, words are companions for life. Choosing Wellesley #82 - Required Language course - I know the nuances of language will fulfill my love for writing. During my high school years, I was familiarized with the utilization of words as a tool to capture readers' attention, to sound catchy, and to get good grades. However, I feel as writing is also the art of protesting. In my culture, in which many people value the hierarchy and the oppression of one's voice, writing gives me the utmost freedom to shout out for my feelings, vulnerability, and opinions. From journaling to writing research papers, from drafting poems to posting a status, I write to defy the social norms and write with my genuine voice so people can feel connected. Therefore, I can resonate with the power of writing Wellesley promises. Wellesley's vibrant intellectual environment, thirst for challenges, and embrace of individual's uniqueness during the writing course are an immense amount of support for me to sharpen my skills and shape my voice to create freedom and cultivate my own self.
I'm also impressed by Wellesley #100: The pluralistic, polyphonic, unclassifiable mass of humanity that is our student body. Women usually are labeled to fit into societal expectations. Hence, I believe Wellesley is where I will meet many amazing women unlabeling themselves and demystifying their identities. I love to be inspired by a Muslim woman talking about world peace, love to see some female astronauts chasing the stars, and admire some women vibing to Beyonce's music and reading Shakespeare literature. And I, more than an Asian woman, a Vietnamese girl who can wrap perfect spring rolls and can constantly talk about politics while jumping off the cliff. I knew that at Wellesley, there are not only women of any race, any color, any religion but women of any interest, anything that makes them them. Wellesley is the place I believe my next four years will be cherished by many unusual women, including myself, where women inspire, collaborate, and share their identity. Wellesley's diversity will inspire me for the rest of my life with stories I'd be honored to listen to, something unclassifiable, such as my love for Wellesley's tranquil campus. And I will transform into a woman who inspires everyone.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,051 4255
and the oppression of one's voice
I'm not sure if this section will sit well with the reviewer as the Western world views this as a negative. You better clarify why public opinion is suppressed in your country. That way the reference to writing as giving you a voice makes better sense.
Women usually are labeled to fit into societal expectations.
Again, not in the Western world. Refer to this as it applies to Vietnam alone. There must be a clear demarcation between the U.S. and Vietnam as these are countries with opposing cultures.
You still know and believe this. Use the present form of the word.
There are a few sentences where you started with the connecting word "and". Reformat the sentences to not start that way. It makes for an awkward presentation.