Hi Everyone,
Can I please have some feedback and help with my essay? Thank you.
Please include a personal statement detailing how you have acted as an exemplary role model in your community and the initiative you have taken to fulfill your educational goals.
As a member of society we are shaped by the many influences around us weather they are negative or positive. It is up to each individual to determine how they will use those influences to shape their lives. I am fortunate to have been influenced by an exemplary role model for the past seven years. Although his own son has graduated out of scouting many years ago, he continued to serve and shape the lives of many boys including myself. My scout master, Mr. Nelson has been a remarkable role model in terms of serving and giving back to the community, and I aspire to emulate him.
Taking from the positive influences of my role model, I too have contributed to my community by serving as a leader in my boy scout troop and mentoring fellow students in my high school choir. As a leader in my boy scout troop, I taught the younger scouts skills that are essential in being a boy scout. Some of the skills taught were basic first aid, wilderness survival and other life skills. While I was the senior patrol leader my troop took on a project that I am extremely proud of. There is a cemetery on the less affluent side of town that was a real eye sore with mountain of garbage and over grown weeds. So my boy scout troop spent several Saturdays clearing out the trash and removing all the over grown weeds. It was very hard work, but It was also very rewarding as well because the people who lived near the cemetery was very appreciative of what we did. Scouting for food is another community service project that I have participated in for the past nine years. The first Saturday in November is spent putting out door hangers requesting donations of non-perishable food for local food banks. The troop goes back the second Saturday in November to collect the food and sort it for distribution. Although I was not officially appointed a leader in my school choir, I took the initiative to encourage and guide my fellow students in the right direction in preparation for the district choir.
In addition to being a leader in my boy scouts troop, I have consistently contributed to my community by being an assistant coach for a local soccer league for the past three years. I have never played soccer, however, I attended several coaches clinics to learn the game which has enabled me to become a knowledgeable member of the coaching team. Armed with the knowledge I acquired at the clinics I was able to teach the youths in the league the skills they needed to have a successful soccer season. Like my mentor Mr. Nelson who used his acquired skills to teach the boys in my troop, I was also able to use the experience I gained as a member of my schools' theatre company to be a teachers' assistant at a theatre workshop for elementary school aged children at a local community college. At this two weeks theatre work shop last summer, I was able to give specific tips and techniques about performing on the stage.
Throughout my high school career I have taken challenging electives in addition to my core classes. I have attained honor roll throughout most of my high school, and I have been involved with extra curricular activities such as theare and musical ensembles. Music is a big part of my life and I have been a member of my school choir and band for the past four years. This year I am the leader for the horn section. Furthermore, I am very intrigued with science, therefore, I have taken honors chemistry, honors human anatomy and nuclear science courses. My future plans are to be a double major in college focusing on chemistry and musical theatre. Additionally, in the summer of 2011 I took a musical theatre workshop at DeSales University for which I have earned three college credits.
I have exemplify myself as a role in my community by serving as a leader in my boy scout troop and performing community service duties at a local soccer league and at the local community college. I am respectful of others and a hard working well rounded student who is engaged academically and socially. Once in college, I endeavor to continue being civic minded like my role model Mr. Nelson and will serve in whatever capacity is available.
Your essay, although impressive, is slightly short. I like how you put forth all the good things and outstanding things that you have achieved. You chose a good role model, and I like how you did not pick what many others may have picked, such as a mother or sibling.
