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'The Power of Speech' ; Common App Essay - (Topic of your choice)



chai607 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2012   #1
The last few notes of the band's guitar faded away. The band took a bow and were greeted with a polite round of applause a few choicest Hindi swear words from some inebriated man. The vocalist stood up and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, today we have a special guest from Tokyo, Japan!" Whispers arose from the crowd, as I promptly took the stairs to the stage. No less than 500 pairs of eyes stared up at me, bright as the stars above, in the humid night sky of Lumbini Park, Hyderabad, India.

I wasn't nervous. Nonetheless, I took a deep breath and re-constructed my thoughts. I knew what I had to say; there was no script I had memorized, no rehearsals I had attended - just a message that needed to be delivered. As I fiddled with the microphone, panic suddenly took over. My knees suddenly turned to jelly - I blanked out.

That's when I saw him - a young child, about 5 years old, face plastered with innocence, lost in the crowd. The same face that I had seen of the small, innocent boy in Miyagi, Japan orphaned by the devastating earthquake had struck in early spring. My lips parted and I let my emotions through:

"We sat outside cowering in the sunlight, while the ground gave another violent jolt. Children screamed, teachers gasped and the school building seemed to defy gravity, as the enormous steel structure shook from side-to-side. Earthquakes - "

The crowd listened intently, awestruck by the horrific detail of an earthquake - an anomalous phenomenon in this region. Some gasped, as they realized that a survivor of the March 11th earthquake was on stage - in person. I continued talking- I talked about the orphanages, the lost children, the look of gratitude on the face of the victims, as I cooked and served fresh food to them. This was all striking to the gathering that stood there in front of the stage, as their idea of Japan - one of the most developed, diverse, sheltered nations on the planet - was immediately revolutionized, riddled with images of orphaned children and rubble, reminiscent of India itself. Their eyes were now clouded over in a veil of tears.

I commented "That's right, everybody. Even a country like Japan needs your help. After all, on this Earth we are all the same, aren't we?" I glanced at the clock - 45 minutes had breezed past. I took a bow and stepped down from my first public appearance as a speaker.

Applause. Endless applause.
The vocalist spoke up again "Thank you for coming tonight! Now, we would like to hold a minute of silence, for the lives lost in the tragedy on March 11th."

Countless lighters were lit, and candles were passed out to the mass that had gathered in front of the stage in as they closed their eyes and prayed in silence. I can never forget that moment - the moment we outshone all the stars in the night sky of Lumbini Park.

juneidyl 1 / 7  
Dec 28, 2012   #2
Generally very good essay!

I'm not a native speaker so I can't give you an accurate evaluation. First of all, your story touched me. As a neighboring-country citizen who donated a little pocket money at that time, I was impressed by you and your essay. It will surely stand out.

Just a small suggestion and for your information only:

I commented "That's right, everybody. Even a country like Japan needs your help. After all, on this Earth we are all the same, aren't we?" I glanced at the clock - 45 minutes had breezed past. I took a bow and stepped down from my first public appearance as a speaker.
Applause. Endless applause.

I think this part should be emphasized. Between your bow and their applause there should be a transition, their facial expression, a description of the environment or something else. It will be less abrupt if you add something.

By the way, I love the ending! Good Luck (you're way better than me XD)!
OP chai607 1 / 3  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
Hey, thanks for your feedback! (I'll read your essay once I'm done with mine) :D

I've edited that part out actually, I now have a modified copy.

BUMP
juneidyl 1 / 7  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
Wow, your word count is almost 500! You don't need to bowdlerize much lol
OP chai607 1 / 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #5
day before submission bump


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