Hey guys, I'm just looking for a little feedback on how to improve this short answer. I don't really think of it as an essay, so I didn't format it like one. I just formatted it as an informative short answer; I didn't make it too creative.
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.
During the summer before my junior year, I attended the Global Young Leaders Conference, where I learned about the critical role the United Nations plays in international political relations. I interacted with intellectual students from around the globe, learning about various aspects of their unique cultures. From each encounter, I learned a new tidbit of information about Indonesian cinema, Japanese snack foods, and Latin American music. After returning from the conference, I attended the Penn State Summer Music Camp, where I played the tenor saxophone in the concert band and in an honors saxophone chamber quartet. This camp also gave me the opportunity to take courses in music history, advanced piano composition, and film music to supplement my existing musical knowledge and abilities. My summer culminated with a family retreat to Japan, where we immersed ourselves in the vibrant Japanese culture and trekked to historical monuments in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Hiroshima. During my off-time from these activities, I took private saxophone lessons and volunteered at the local hospital.
During the summer preceding my senior year, I took three courses at Pennsylvania State University. One month before the end of my junior year, I began an introductory Spanish course as the only high school student in a classroom full of adults. I also took a mathematics course, focusing on multivariable calculus, as well as a bio-behavioral health course, focusing on how drugs and medications affect one's behavior and health. While these courses were challenging, they taught me more advanced study skills and how to effectively manage my time. They also made me confident in my abilities to pursue a fast-paced college course, preparing me for a rigorous college curriculum in the future. I complemented my coursework with laboratory research in a microbiology laboratory at Penn State's Department of Veterinary and Biomedical Sciences. Under the supervision of my mentor, I investigated the bacterial agents responsible for infections in farm cattle and used my results to devise treatment and prevention methods. I learned various laboratory techniques such as Gram staining, polymerase chain reaction (PCR), random amplified polymorphic DNA (RAPD) assays, and gel electrophoresis. My laboratory work heightened my interest in biomedical science and epidemiology, inspiring me to shift my volunteer work at the local hospital from the snack bar to patient floors. Additionally, between my classes and laboratory work, I bussed to the community YMCA daily in order to stay in shape and continued my saxophone studies with my private teacher.
Hmm, this essay made me kind of sad. I realized you've done more in two summers than I have done in my whole life! Compared to the way you spend your summers, school must be restful and possibly boring! I could not find one thing to suggest or correct.
I don't really think of it as an essay, so I didn't format it like one. I just formatted it as an informative short answer; I didn't make it too creative.
Well, part of the purpose here is to show them that you can write good composition. So... you should format it as an essay. But what do you mean? It looks like an essay to me.
Ah, I see why you think of it that way, though. The question calls for a list of experiences. Still, you should put a thesis sentence at the end of that first paragraph. Add a sentence that gives a message or idea that you want the reader to "take away" from the experience of reading.
If you just list what you did, it is not memorable or effective. Give the essay a theme!
:-)
