Prosperity. What makes a country prosper? Application Essay for HKUST - PERSONAL STATEMENT

Hello, I am applying for HKUST (and also HKU) for Academic Year 2015/2016. Would you guys please give some insights, grammar and vocab revisions, and perhaps solution to your criticisms? Thank you so much! It will mean a lot :)

PERSONAL STATEMENT

Prosperity. What makes a country prosper? I once stayed with a poor woman on a home-stay trip in a small village in West Java, Indonesia, where she makes gorengan (basically fried food) for her living. A piece was sold for about Rp 200,00; in the city, it would be sold for about Rp 2000,00. I was quite shocked by the difference, even though I had known that prices in one region can be distinct from prices in another region. Instantly, I thought, I want this to change; I want to reduce the social gap between the rich and the poor. Then I asked her if she was content, and she said yes. This shocked me even further. If I were her, I would not feel the same. So, is this country prosperous? One has to consider many social, mathematical, and economical factors to determine this country's situation. This use of analytical thinking is one the reasons why my interest in Economics emerges, and thus leading to my revolutionary dream; I wish to become Indonesia's Minister of Economy.

In High School, I had a new Economics teacher whose methods I find unorthodox. Sure, he was called weird and confusing by many students. Nonetheless-as I have a curious and anti-mainstream nature-I was interested in his methods and, contrary to the majority's opinion, I easily understood his teachings. Thus, I always pay attention to his class and my curiosity towards Economics grew bigger. My interest eventually shifted from the teacher's methods to the subject itself. I often find myself digging more about the topics discussed in class. I also try to always do my best, which is evident by reaching the top rank in class.

After long considerations, I chose the Social Sciences major to give me a wider understanding of Economics. History-to learn from the past, Geography-to give me information about regions, and Sociology-to study human behaviors, correlate with Economics in many aspects. By being able to connect these subjects with each other, I can improve my reasoning skills. In addition, I joined the Economics-Accounting Club in the 11th grade. It has given me enormous chances to participate in competitions, including the National Science Olympiad in Economics which was a great opportunity and experience for me. Other competitions which I experienced are Choirs competitions, since I am a part of my schools' Choir group. The competitions made me the sportsmanlike and ambitious person I am.

Moreover, I was the chairman of the Assemblies of Class Representatives in Junior High School, and this has taught me to lead while serve as a leader and work together as a team. My role in the assemblies has influenced me in my later years to always try to balance my social and academic life by engaging in several activities such as Live-Ins (home-stay) and foster home visits. Visiting the foster homes remind me of a novel that I have read, titled The Chinese Cinderella by Adeline Yen Mah. It has made me see that there are many people whose lives are not as pleasing and easy as that of mine, and many parents restrict their children to an extent that they cannot express themselves in their studies or career. However, those kinds of people flourish in their adversity and are still determined to do their best in their studies. I think I want to get that kind of image while I am still blessed with the open-mindedness of my parents.

In order to pursue my dreams, I am applying to Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, which is one of the best universities in the world. Since economy is a global issue, Hong Kong is an auspicious place to study Economics. It is one of the world's leading business centers, and it is also influenced by the British and China. I will be able to gain knowledge and insights of the world and I hope to apply those when I have reached my aspiration to help Indonesia. I also believe that the skills that I have learned will be useful for me in achieving my ultimate goals in life. Hong Kong University of Science and Technology will surely be the place for me to study, as I am willing to contribute to the university by being one of the best undergraduate students who manages her time well; who would play a role in the community.

- The main question you have to answer in this personal statement is, why HKUST? What is is about the university, its programs, curriculum, or internship programs that makes you sense that you will be able to achieve your objectives in taking this particular college degree? What set the university apart in your mind, from the others in the sense of how it can help you evolve and grow as a student and person?

You truly gave us an insight into the background of your interest in Economics and how you plan to achieve the best kind of training possible in order to ensure a successful career for yourself. However, you failed to mention how HKUST will be able to help you achieve these personal ambitions and goals. There is a need for you to show us the career path you wish to take in the future in order for us or the admissions officer, to get a deeper understanding of the motivation behind your actions and your goals. Without those kinds of information, the essay just feels long and slightly informative instead of highly informative.

Great essay though but need I little improvement like :
[i]I often find myself digging more about the topics discussed in class. I also try to always do my best, which is evident by reaching the top rank in class

as
My urge to explore more about my subject have resulted me to reach the top rank in my class.

A business student should have an interest in economics and the way that business works from the small enterprise all the way to the corporate conglomerates. He needs to have an interest in mergers, acquisitions, supply chain, management, and business technologies. The personality of a business student in my opinion would be that of one who sees more than just dollar signs and economic advancement for himself. He is a person who sees how the world is changing because of the way that people interact with one another through business. This creates his desire to develop a business model, plan, or opportunity for himself and others that can help society further evolve in terms of cooperation and unity among people of the same interests and needs in life.

Now that I have given you my opinion on the question, can you tell me what you took away from it? How can you apply it to your current essay question? Post your response here so we can help you develop your essay answer further :-)