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'prosperous society' - Lehigh Supplement - Equity and Community


rapoch 9 / 28  
Dec 31, 2009   #1
Hey! Could you please check out my essay for grammar, idea flow, anything really? I'd be glad to help you guys out too! Just leave a link and I'll revise your essay :) Thanks!

In our ever-changing society, people have defined 'equity' and 'community' in many different ways. How do you define these terms and what are the implications of equity and community for our 21st century society?

With technological advances sweeping away all boundaries, our society must accept that humankind is comprised of individuals from all sorts of backgrounds. Because globalization has transformed our world into one broad community, its members must recognize that coexisting harmoniously will ensure that all parties reach their common goal.

Equity is the answer to achieving such a prosperous society. Taking into consideration the democratic concept of equality of opportunity, equity seeks to ensure that a group's diversity does not interfere with the individual's sense of belonging. By stimulating an environment that not only distinguishes, but also values the mixture of diverging characteristics, a community avoids a "clash of civilizations" and guarantees the development of a cooperative spirit. With this deep-rooted sentiment of unity defined by no specific trait, collective efforts generate more progress because human potential is no longer wasted on the basis of irrelevant differences.

In essence, equity is a catalyst for a community's improvement for it takes advantage of humanity's heterogeneity.
pmurray62 8 / 26  
Dec 31, 2009   #2
I enjoyed your essay. I think it speaks to humanity's perception of equity on a very deep level. If I had one recommendation to give you (and really, it's not necessary), it would be to go through your essay and find three complex words you feel you could replace with simpler words--i.e. heterogeneity. Otherwise you have a very analytical essay here. I wouldn't be worried.
shreeek 2 / 14  
Dec 31, 2009   #3
I understand what you're getting at, but I feel like more of your personality should show through. It almost feels like a by-the-book definition. Maybe if you were better explain why these are the definitions YOU go by , or use other defs in contrast to yours to highlight your opinion. I mean, yea its clearly your opinion since it's in your essay,but what can be done to emphasize that?

Sorry if that's vague. And you can totally ignore this if you want, they're just my opinions.

Otherwise, I really like the concluding statement you make about equity being a catalyst for improvement. Good idea flow throughout your essay.

If ya don't mind looking over mine, I'd really appreciate that as well:
jampamz 6 / 33  
Dec 31, 2009   #4
I agree with shreek. You have great concepts, you just have to add a human voice in there.
s61001234 7 / 14  
Jan 2, 2010   #5
Lehigh Supplement - Equity and Community

With technological advances sweeping away all boundaries, our society must accept that humankind is comprised of individuals from all sorts of backgrounds.Feel like a bit lengthy Because globalization has transformed our world into one broad community, its members must recognize that coexisting harmoniously will ensure that all parties reach their common goal.

Wow, you got extraordinary writing!
Adding some example or analogy might specify your idea
For example, Without the contribution of people from different ethnicity, America will not become the current world power.
(African American music and culture, Asians that promote scientific research , Caucasians in politics)

We can imagine America like human bodies with organs from different background. If a person does not treat some of its organs well, these organs will malfunction and.... and the body will lose parts of its strength.


Overall,
It's a amazing piece of essay with solid logic
try to shorten your sentences
and it will be wonderful

Please look at my Rice essay too


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