Equity (i.e., each person's contribution to his or her community)
this is incorrect, equity mean Impartial justice, fairness or evenhandedness.
The expalinition about the community is beautiful and it shows that you have good ideas and wonderful writing skills.It would be better if you define equity correctly, followed by repercussions equity and community on the society.Without equity a community can not be establish, without which a society cannot sustain itself, however, in the 21st centuray the old norms are quite revised
. Discuss about all this and your essay will become very good.
Hope my feedack will help you improve your essay :) and do post your re-write so that we can see how you have improved it. Can you read my essays and commnet on them too?