above is the question for my UBC personal profile, wanted opinions on my answer please and thanks! i tried to word it somewhat creatively, with the general focus being on my weight loss and how that caused me to grow.
UBC personal profile essay
Chicken, rice, and broccoli. While this may seem like the start to an average grocery list, these foods were at the center of my life for the past year. This may seem amusing, but to me, it was all but that, as these foods played a large role in shaping who I am today. Throughout my life, I faced relentless bullying regarding my weight. While I just wanted to get my education, kids found pleasure in seeing tears well up in my eyes, laughing seemingly every time one rolled down my cheek. I was a bigger kid, weighing 230 pounds at my heaviest, and kids at school loved reminding me. In the eleventh grade, I decided enough was enough. I had to prove my bullies wrong - take away the joy on their faces as they realized they could no longer pick on me. That year, I bought a gym membership, and taught myself how to cook chicken, rice, and broccoli. I had committed. Over the course of 8 months, I completely transformed. I used all of the insults to fuel myself into losing over 60 pounds, gaining a large amount of muscle in the process. While physically I had shrunk in size, mentally and emotionally, I grew exponentially. I learned that it was possible for me to turn negative situations into positive outcomes. Although I am extremely proud of the physical progress I've made, the mental growth and mindset change is what I am most proud of. While this is just one example of why my family and friends describe me as resilient, determined, and motivated, this journey made me realize that these are not only personality traits, but traits that I now can implement in entrepreneurial ventures such as my shoe reselling business, community involvement through my shoe/clothing charity drives, my part time job, and many other aspects of my life.
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You misunderstood the prompt. You are supposed to highlight several aspects of your personality, from the point of view of other people. These people would be your friends, family, and peers. A different description of your character, told from the 2nd or 3rd person point of view would have been the more appropriate writing approach for this prompt. You can still use your weight loss and diet reference, you just need to make sure that you attribute the observation to someone other than yourself. You can only speak for yourself in the last paragraph of the essay, no earlier than that. You need to revise the essay to portray your noticeable character descriptions based on other people's insight of who you are. Then talk about the diet in the last part.