The Pyramids in Hollywood ; UC prompt 1

Hey Editors!

I would greatly appreciate any opinions, comments, and grammar corrections on my essay.
Do you think I portrayed my world, dreams and aspirtations adequately? What do you think about the title, i am not 100% sure that it really ties in with my essay..

prompt:Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

word count: 617
Thank you!

Immigration is hard; even at the innocent age of seven; I remember worrying about the new world I was to enter. I lived the first part of my childhood in Cairo, before moving to California and having dual citizenship. I knew that leaving the overcrowded city of Cairo would mean leaving my home, my friends, and my huge extended family. What I didn't know, was that entering the beautiful state of California would give me a world filled with grand opportunities. Life in California is a road nicely paved and well defined, but which has occasional speed bumps. Growing up in California has granted me chances to succeed and excel while achieving high standards. Throughout the years of my California residency, I have participated in various activities which increased my interest in science and inspired me to become a Pediatric Dentist.

Children have always been a huge part of my world. I am not only the eldest of my two siblings, but also of my twenty first cousins. Through my responsibly and love towards my family, I am constantly trying to protect and enlighten my younger relatives. Their look of awe and admiration towards me drives me to constantly better myself. After taking a college level Arabic course offered by Los Angeles City College, I worked as an Arabic counselor at Aldeen Foundation Arabic Camp. I taught students starting the ages of seven through thirteen basic elements of the Arabic language. By the finishing time of the program, my students had the entire alphabet memorized and could even say a few full Arabic sentences.

Egypt is widely known for the Nile River, and since I was so fascinated by the magnificent water bank, I decided to enroll in the Sierra Madre City Swim Team. I swam for five years and won tons of metals and ribbons in relay, freestyle, and breaststroke races. In the summer, I spent five hours a day as a Red Cross Jr. Lifeguard teaching toddlers and children how to swim. I also volunteered at the Sierra Madre City Library Children's Summer Reading Program. Due to my high hours of community service, I achieved Congressman David Dreier's Youth Volunteer Award. I also received St. Francis of Assisi award a couple times for doubling the required community service hours. Because of my affinity with children, I realized that my future professional job must include them.

Biology was the first science course I took in high school. Molecular biology captivated my brain and left me longing to learn more about the human body and anatomy. I volunteered at the Huntington Memorial Hospital and Hastings Ranch Pharmacy. The more I became familiar with various aspects of the medical environment the more I became positive that this is the field I desire to enter. It wasn't until I got my braces on that I finally knew that I was created to become a pediatric dentist. Ever since I was a little girl and received dollars from the tooth fairy, I always believed that teeth are a very important part of the human body. Attending my orthopedic appointments every month and viewing the interaction between my dentist and his patients became an immense pusher for my excellence in school. I received Honors Awards for high academic achievement, and became a member of California Federation Scholarship. As a senior, I am taking Ap. Biology and plan to volunteer at my dentists' office.

Through repeated summer visits to Egypt, I have learned to appreciate both cultures and lifestyles. The intertwining of American and Egyptian culture has taught me to view situations in a unique way, and utilize most of my opportunities in a constructive manner in order to accomplish my dreams.

Your essay sounds very well-thought out.
The only thing I would note is that you have too many things going on at once. Although the prompt is asking for your community, they want you to focus more on one subject: family, community, school. All your stories sound great, but there should be more of a focus on one subject that has really affected you. You go into speaking about your cousins and their admiration for you, but there is not much more. Or, that you have enrolled onto the Swim Team and taught kids, but how exactly, does that help? Create a specific focus and give it great detail. As my writing tutor told me to do, find an anecdote that is relatable, then talk about it at length. It makes your essay much more unique.

One more thing: list your accomplishments less. In the UC app, there is a section for you to tell them all about your awards, etc. If you do it in your essay, it sounds a little too arrogant and that you're presenting yourself to the reader, as opposed to saying what you want to say because you want to do just that.

I hope that was helpful.
Now, I was wondering if you could look at my essay! I'm guessing that if you click on my username, you can get to my essay. That would be awesome!

Best of luck!

I think you lost some of the focus throughout the essay, I thought the essay would focus on the "community" of California, and the shift and how it has provided you with dreams and aspirations, but you seem to kind of drive off and start listing things you've done. You can include those achievements, but focus it more around your main subject of what it is that shaped your world.

well, i found this college website and it said , " evaluators want you to discuss your dreams and aspirations and what you have done so far to achieve those dreams. While it is important for you to define your world, you should NOT use your personal statement to describe your family, school or community.

So now i am reallly confused and i serioulsy dont know what i am supposed to mention or not mention
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Exactly, your describing your achievements, not you. Although you've accomplished all these things, how does it relate to you, and as you mentioned how do all these achievements it relate to the "intertwining of american and egyptian cultures" which help you accomplish your dreams. Hope that helps clear it up

are you Harondeep Singh?