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Quality and Consistency - UBC PERSONAL PROFILE ESSAY


student19 1 / 1  
Nov 16, 2019   #1
1.

Tell us about who you are.


How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)


I have grown up in an environment of highly supportive parents and friends who constantly motivate me to be better. My family would describe me as a youthful determined individual who is hardworking and puts all their efforts into achieving their hopes and dreams. Especially, my father who would not fail to mention that I am someone who is not afraid to voice her opinion when I feel something is out of place or unusual due to our constant friendly bickering over our clashing opinions on the latest news every morning. My friends and teachers would describe me as an extrovert, persistent and someone who loves to take on challenges because they are the essence of a successful career and contribute towards self-growth. However, one quality that would flow common between both would be consistency. All my life I have strived to be consistent in whatever I do so when it was declared that I was going to be honored with the Gold Medal in my school, I was beyond ecstatic. This medal is a symbol of utmost excellence and consistency in academic as well as extracurricular ventures and has been my most significant accomplishment. It took my blood, sweat, tears, and so many caffeine-induced nights to achieve something as meritorious as this so standing amongst the top 30 students out of 232 in total, I felt a sense of relief that I finally accomplished something of this caliber and ended my academic career on such an optimistic and memorable note.

ppham2020 1 / 4 1  
Nov 17, 2019   #2
and ended my academic career on ...

Just as a technicality, some may perceive ending your academic career as literally ending your academic career. I suggest replacing academic career with school year

... describe me as an extrovert, persistent and ...

Here, you are using persistent as a noun, which is improper. Try saying "...would describe me as an extroverted and persistent student who loves to ..."

Overall, I like the points you made about how others view you, as well as integrating the Gold Medal into your accomplishments.
farhanav 3 / 5 1  
Nov 23, 2019   #3
@student19
Good essay. The suggestions I have for you are:

and ended my academic career on...

I would suggest you instead describe it as your final year or final school year, as you would be continuing your academics in college.

Also you narrowly cross the word limit, so I suggest removing some redundant words if the remaining part of the sentence would have a similar effect without the word present. For insance

... bickering over our clashing opinions on ...

In my opinion, if you removed the word clashing, the sentence would still retain the same value.

Also in the following line, I would suggest a comma as follows

... in whatever I do, so when it ...

Overall great attempt, and good work linking it all together smoothly


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