Hi, my first time here, would you mind offering a few feedback on my essay here for Queen's University? Here's the prompt and essay, thank you in advance!
Prompt: Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed above. In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.
the annual club fair
When I entered high school 3 years ago, I, like so many others, was desperate to find my place. Yet the public school community seemed distant and cold for the confused freshman I was. Though there was over 30 student-run clubs and organizations to choose from, they all operated independently and it was difficult to find a place you belonged. Struggling through freshman year, finally adjusting to high school life, I looked back and realized I did not want more students going into high school feeling like I did. So I rallied a group of friends, and soon enough, a plan was hatched.
With the school's permission, we brought about the first annual club fair at our high school. With the participation of over 30 clubs and more than 800 students, the event was a huge success. Needless to say, it was likely the busiest day of my life. As co-founder and Head of Logistics, I was leader of a team of five, responsible for helping the clubs set up their stands, taking care of the fair's decorations as well as guiding participants through the stall path. Even before the event, I managed school funding, prepared the lighting and sound system, printed flyers and posters, as well as handled financial support requests from participating organizations.
What the event taught me was the value of collaboration. Now, not only are we an official school event, but the team has also built an extensive support network for student-run organizations within the school. We help clubs gain publicity, connect them to useful resources and to each other. The network has since seen a rise to over 40 organizations and various interesting crossovers. But most importantly, students did not have to worry about feeling lost or confused navigating the community anymore. Now, they come to us and find extensive information about whatever activity they might be interested in. Having helped greatly in building this community, it has helped me realize how much further we could go if we were together.
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I do not feel as if you have properly reflected the lesson in cooperation and community in the 2nd paragraph of the essay. With 336 words written for an essay that is supposed to be 300 or less words, you would have done well to lessen the back story in the first paragraph so you could focus the story on the way that you developed the collaboration, cooperation, and leadership experiences on your part while founding the club. Try to give the club's name in the essay to give is a sense of reality before you explain your position. Explain the mission and objective of the club. By the way, your club cannot be a school event. Rather, the action of the club is part of the school event. For example, you could say "How to Find a Club" is an organization that, through my instigation, has been participating in the school fair for the past 3 years" -- or something like that. You also have to explain how your club works for the benefit of the reader who has no idea how the club logistics come into play for your organization.