Essay question to enter into a nursing program (Pierce College)

Question-(Limited to one page only)
Illustrate how you are a good fit for our program and, in turn, how our program would be a good fit for you...

I believe that anytime diversity is brought in to a group that only positive change can result. By being an enrolled tribal member of the Nisqually Tribe, I personally having a strong cultural background and I believe not only that I am a good fit but that I bring with me a new and different perspective on health care as a result of my unique life experiences.

I am a hard working individual and only strive for the best from myself. I have worked with a vast majority of the other nursing applicants and found that instead of this becoming a competition amongst us that we instead encouraged one another. This compassionate and caring behavior only increased our ability to succeed in a very difficult curriculum. The comradely attitude that I've acquired completely embodies all the concepts of the four C's. This not only enabled me to keep a positive attitude which helped me maintain an exceptional grade point average but this attitude will enable me to bring nothing but the best to the nursing program.

I chose Pierce College not only because of its diversity within the programs offered and within the student body but also because of the atmosphere on campus. It is one of welcoming and encouragement for the success of all its students regardless of age, race or family issues. I know that here at Pierce College I have the opportunity to not only reach my goals but also gain the ability to surpass my own expectations. This is a direct result of the staff and instructors who go out of their way to help each and every student succeed and with that they facilitate the positive academic atmosphere contained within these walls.

The first thing I noted was the length of your essay. You have been given an upper limit of one page, or roughly, 500 words. So, make use of it. Try to incorporate some additional examples which prove your suitability. Right now, your essay is not very convincing.

Remember, brevity is appreciated only when each and every sentence packs a punch. If you can do it, then great. Otherwise, take the easier route.

You write very well!! Here is an awkward sentence:

This not only enabled me to keep the positive attitude which helped me maintain an exceptional grade point average but also will enable me to contribute meaningfully to the nursing program. --- I made a little change to show how it can be fixed. It did not quite make sense the way it was written.

I don't like "I believe" at the beginning. It's overused and a cliche. Give this essay a theme. Add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. You seem to be developing a theme of setting high standards for yourself and giving 100% effort. Write a sentence at the end of that first paragraph to tell the reader the main idea for the whole essay. At the end of that first paragraph, the reader will pause to reflect on what you are saying.

:-)