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'Raised in Texas' - How did you first learn about Rice University and what motivated you to apply?


Kih 2 / 6 2  
Dec 29, 2015   #1
If someone would someone give me feedback on my short answer, I would really appreciate it.

(250 word limit)

Raised in Texas, Rice University was always pressured on to me by my parents because of its distance from home and ranking. However despite these reasons, I always questioned whether Rice was truly the school I wanted to go.

While being hounded by my parents to apply to Rice, I truly wondered what Rice University had to offer to me. Researching through the website and mechanical engineering section, I learned about the exclusive programs for freshman students. I noticed the course ENGI 150 which integrates engineering principles with real world problems and offers students the chance to create their own personalized solutions during their first year which many universities do not offer until the third or fourth year. Further attracting me to the school was the phenomenal research of Professor Spanos about modern nanocomposites and the effect on material strength, something I look forward to engage in and contribute to. Going from the facilities to student life, I discovered that the amazing close-knit community between the students. The alumni from the university all emphasize the approachability between the students which was very important to me because I think an interactive community enhances the college experience.

Rice University attracted me because of excellent freshman engineering undergraduate programs, teachers, and the student life at the school. The fact of the matter is that despite having initial doubts toward Rice due to parental pressure; Rice is actually a school that I feel I will enjoy.

242 words
halokenisis 3 / 11 4  
Dec 29, 2015   #2
Hi Kih. I think what you have is good but you can make it more concise and definitely clean it up. Although you do have a 250 word limit, you should try to eliminate extra words or rephrase for concision and clarity. Here's some edits I made.

Raised in Texas, Rice University was always pressured on to me by my parents because of its distance from home and ranking.
As a Texan, my parents always pressured me to apply to Rice University because of its proximity and prestige
However despite these reasons,Despite this I always questioned whether Rice was truly the school I wanted to go.attend

While being hounded by my parents to apply to RiceAs my parents hounded me to apply to Rice , I truly wondered what Rice University had to offer to me.

Researching through the website and mechanical engineering section, I learned about the exclusive programs for freshman students.
As I researched Rice's undergraduate program, I became interested in ENGI 150.
I noticed the course ENGI 150 which integrates engineering principles with real world problems and offers students the chance to create their own personalized solutions during their first year which many universities do not offer until the third or fourth year.

Don't tell them what they already have and know about themselves. Instead, emphasize how you found this appealing and then say that Rice is unique for this.

Rice University attractedattracts me because of its excellent freshman engineering undergraduate programs, teachers, and the student life at the school. (Remember to use parallel structure.)

The fact of the matter is that despite having initial doubts toward Rice due to parental pressure; Rice is actually a school that I feel I will enjoy.Although I had doubts about Rice due to parental pressure, I feel that I will actually enjoy Rice

I don't think you should say "enjoy," but rather emphasize that you'll be a good fit there/Rice will fit you.

Good luck with the rest of your common app! I'm definitely feeling the pressure too.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 29, 2015   #3
Samraz, you mentioned that your parents were hounding you to attend Rice. I wish that you had expanded upon that information more than the discussion of the subject that appealed to you. The reason I would like you to expand that discussion is because you learned about Rice through your parents. So their enthusiasm to have you attend the university should be one of the major reasons that you were motivated to apply to the university. Their reasons for wanting you to apply are important and served as a vital influence in your final decision to apply for admission.

In reference to the following paragraph:

Rice University attracted me because...

It does not feel like it has the ability to close your essay in a very strong note. I would not use this concluding statement if I were you. Instead, I would opt to discuss the appeal of their school of engineering in terms of overall preparation of their students. What motivated you to apply to Rice? Expand upon the following discussion as a separate paragraph to explain the academic appeal of the university which was an additional motivation for your application:

I noticed the course ENGI 150 which integrates engineering principles with real world problems and offers students the chance to create their own personalized solutions during their first year which many universities do not offer until the third or fourth year. Further attracting me to the school was the phenomenal research of Professor Spanos about modern nanocomposites and the effect on material strength, something I look forward to engage in and contribute to.

Then discuss the faculty advisers and the student community as a separate paragraph as well.
OP Kih 2 / 6 2  
Dec 29, 2015   #4
I tried to reorganize the content of the response according to your feedback vangie, but I don't think I have the enough room to expand on my the view of my parents about Rice due to the word limit. Here is the revised version:

As a Texan, my parents always pressured me to apply to Rice University because of its proximity and prestige. Despite this I always questioned whether Rice was truly the school I wanted to attend. As my parents hounded me to apply to Rice, I truly wondered what Rice University had to offer to me.

Researching about the school, I noticed the course ENGI 150. The course integrates engineering principles with real world problems and offers students the chance to create their own personalized solutions during their first year which many universities do not offer until the third or fourth year. The sheer thought being in an environment where I'm impacting world as a first year gives me relief because it illustrates that Rice develop thinkers and innovators not just students who are limited to the textbook.

Further attracting me to the school was the phenomenal research of Professor Spanos about modern nanocomposites and the effect on material strength, something I look forward to engage in and contribute to. Going from the facilities to student life, I discovered that the amazing close-knit community between the students. The alumni from the university all emphasize the approachability between the students which was very important to me because I think an interactive community enhances the college experience.

Despite having initial doubts toward Rice due to parental pressure, through research, I discovered Rice has excellent freshman engineering undergraduate programs, teachers, and an interactive community compelling me apply.

242 words
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 30, 2015   #5
Samraz, I edited the essay to make it more focused and give it a more interesting discussion regarding the prompt. I basically edited the essay to 242 words. If you think you can use this version, then go ahead and do so. Otherwise, let me know what apprehensions you have and what other information you think will be important to include. I'll give you my opinion about it as we finalize the content. Here is the statement:

As a Texan, my parents always pressured me to apply to Rice University because of its proximity and prestige. Their obsession with having me attend rice made me question whether Rice was the school I wanted to attend. I wondered what Rice University had to offer to me.

Researching about the school, I noticed the course ENGI 150. The course integrates engineering principles with real world problems and offers students the chance to create their own personalized solutions during their first year which many universities do not offer until the third or fourth year. The sheer thought being in an environment where I'm impacting world as a first year gives me relief because it illustrates that Rice develops thinkers and innovators , not just students who are limited to the textbook.

Further attracting me to the school was the phenomenal research of Professor Spanos about modern nanocomposites and the effect on material strength, something I look forward to engage in and contribute to. Going from the facilities to student life, I discovered the amazing close-knit community between the students. The alumni from the university all emphasize the approachability between the students which is very important to me because I think an interactive community enhances the college learning experience.

Despite having initial doubts toward Rice due to parental pressure, through research, I discovered Rice was more of an interactive community, which was the final reason that made me decide to apply for admission.
OP Kih 2 / 6 2  
Dec 30, 2015   #6
Going from the courses to the community, I was awed by the type of people that attend Rice. I discovered the amazing close-knit community between the students. The alumni from the university all emphasize the approachability between the students which is very important to me because I think an interactive community enhances the college learning experience. Even more attractive was the faculty engagement with students and the phenomenal research of Professor Spanos conducted with his group of undergraduates about modern nanocomposites and the effect on material strength, something I look forward to engage in and contribute to.

I feel like this revising this paragraph improves the flow of paper. I think with that change the short answer is good to. If you have any other thoughts, feel free to share/add. Thank you for help =).
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 30, 2015   #7
Samraz, I do believe that your suggestion for your new concluding paragraph is a good one. If you are comfortable with adding that part to your essay then don't be afraid to so :-) I have reviewed your current essay by replacing the conclusion that I made with the one that you created and it does seem to fit into the over all flow of the discussion. I have no objections to your using this paragraph :-)

Don't forget to do a final run-down of your essay checklist before you submit this. Proof-reading is the the utmost importance and making sure that you have not missed any discussion that the prompt may require or implied is necessary. Once you are really comfortable with the work, then go ahead and submit it already. Your approval of the written work is more important than mine :-) Don't be afraid to ask for more advice if you feel you need it though. I'll be happy to help you out :-)


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