Hello, i'm applying to University of Washington Seattle (UWS) as a mechanical engineer. This is my first draft of personal statement. Please give me some feedback so that i can improve. English is not my first language so let me know if anything. Thank you so much
Btw, please answer these as you read:
1. Does the introduction catch your attention?
2. Do you feel bored reading?
3. Does is not make sense anywhere?
4. Should I interchange paragraphs?
=====Essay=====
For almost 20 years, my mom has had a habit of waking up at 5:45 in the morning everyday getting ready for work and going home right before sunset. Sometimes I just can't believe how strong she is to be able to take care of my family with the so much stress from work. My dad is such a go-getter in my perspective by what he has done to my family. He not only keeps telling me to achieve what I aim for no matter how hard it can be but also is the one who shows me the way. Thinking of my parents, it always reminds me of what and how I should be doing in the next five or ten years. I want to be hard-working as my mom as well as a go-getter like my dad. I know my parents are the ones who have been shaping my personalities and made me who I am today.
My dad not only gave me a head start for future career but also strengthen my decision by helping me building up self-confidence. I remembered every time I discuss math with him, he frequently reminds me to take it serious when it comes to studying math since he certainly knows it's an important key to pursuit my dream. Along with math, physics plays a huge role in making sense how everything operates in real life. These are the 2 key subjects he convinced me day and night to aces in middle and high school as well as college and higher education. As I do what he told, good news keeps showing up and continuously building my confidence especially towards the dream coming true. First, it's unforgettable how overwhelmingly I was enforced to study in Vietnamese middle and high school in all subjects. Students were not expected to be good at what they like; they were asked to be good at everything. This sounds painful but surprisingly trains me to be so fascinating in learning. Most significantly, in all level of education, math has never been boring, disappointing or made me have negative feelings; however, it's truly my strongest advantage and the light giving me hopes. Personally, I believe I've done pretty well in math. Second, when I attend the freshmen year in high school, I was placed in advanced-physics class. Advanced-study opportunity created precious skills in learning science in a higher level that I surely need at college or university. Students in Vietnam are educated massively and mentally prepared for their future. I was once a student like that who takes responsibility to overcome obstacles and reach higher. Even now, I see any negative feelings as a chance to prove myself and any positive feelings as another element bringing me one step closer to what I aim for since my early age. I'm undeniably so thankful to have my confidence trained due to how essentially I need it in order to strike my goals.
Becoming an engineer has been my desired destination for so long. When I was in middle school, I watched my dad quitting being a worker and becoming an owner of his own small workshop at home. My excitement was enough for me to almost always spent time at his workshop every day after school hearing him explaining so many interesting things about his job, mechanical engineer. It soon became my routine for 4 years and then shaped my dream one year later. At that time, I, 15-year-old boy, decided to follow my dad as a mechanical engineer; and this choice has never been reconsidered so far.
Since Tacoma Community College (TCC) offered me a chance to get Associate of Science Degree without high school diploma, I continued my career here after one year studying as an exchange student at Belding High School, Michigan. Although English is not my first language, I don't see it as a disadvantage; rather, it is a reason for me to try harder than anybody else not only in courses but also in life activities. I'm proud of myself doing smoothly well in getting my degree; and my goal for the last year at TCC is to assure a finished degree with GPA of 3.7 or higher.
I also acquired real-life experiences by participating in the non-profit community writing center Write@253. Teaching and helping kids with homework are the main roles I performed. In summer 2013, a Young Filmmaker Camp was taken place by the same center. Kids in groups tried to figure out how to make a 5-minute movie using Ipad. It was extremely challenging for me to help them when they didn't already like each other. Nevertheless, giving up is not my type. After I tried making fun of myself and then getting them together as a solid group, the environment of the camp changed so significantly. Even though my kids didn't get the first place, it was my most memorial challenge I have overcome. My most favorite thing of schools in the U.S is the tutoring center; and I'm so pleasured to be a member of TCC tutoring center, it's called Math Advising and Resource Center (MARC). Not only I could spend my time helping friends with math homework and materials but also I could be financially independent. I'm planning to complete the level 3 of leadership award this fall quarter after receiving Certified Tutor for Level 2 in June, 2014.
With what happened to me and what I have done so far, I'm so ready to look and reach further to get what I desire for so long. My dad will be my always-there resource of information and soul-mate. Moreover, I believe University of Washington Seattle (UWS) is the best school that I fit since they are famous for competitive highly-ranked engineering program in the nation for many years. Interesting undergraduate research conducted by UWS are the activities I would want to take part in the most. UWS is my number one choice; getting accepted to UWS would mean so much for what I have been prepared.
I want to be hard-working as my mom as well as a go-getter like my dad. ---- This is a great sentence! I like everything about your first paragraph. It doesn't matter that English is not your first language; you write in a way that causes an emotional reaction in the reader and catches the reader's interest.
I know my parents are the ones who have been shaping my personalities and made me who I am today. ---- I don't think this is the sentence that should belong at the end of the first paragraph. It is nice that it expresses humility and gratitude, respect and a clear perspective - but it is too simplistic to be the sentence that you put at the end of your first paragraph. I'd like it if you replace the sentence with one that plants and idea and the mind of the reader. This should be the concept or idea that the reader takes away and remembers after finishing the essay.
Do not say: I am so pleasured to be...
Say: I am so pleased to be...
Here is a place in the essay where you can get rid of some words that are not helpful:
With what happened to me and what I have done so far, I'm so ready...
It will be great if you focus more on your specific goals, describing to the reader the contributions you hope to make to society and to your professional field. See if you can find sentences that do not help to express the main idea of the essay, and kill those sentences!
When you read the essay again, in my give you insight into what is most important to you. When that happens you will have the energy of inspiration, and you can use it to write the great sentence that should be added to the end of the first paragraph.
