200 words or fewer.
And I fell predictably on the ground only achieving an injury from the bicycle pedal. That was me at 7 trying to ride a bicycle meant for 12 year olds. I didn't have my own bicycle but I desired to learn how to ride one.
I was 11 years old when I got my first bike just right after my heart surgery, waiting for the day I will take it out for a first ride. Of course that day ought to be special, I purchased new sports outfit ready for the D-day. I had one of my elder brother holding a camera and another to teach me. Oh! How could I forget my sunglasses; of course I had it on, looking like a secret agent. After all my preparations, I failed to ride just a few steps on my own. I went home disappointed.
One thing about determination is that you never give up irrespective of bad outcomes. I returned the next day with extra enthusiasm. Guess what? I pedaled past three houses and I was so excited I left my bicycle on the streets, ran home like I just won a gold medal to tell my parents; I did it!
-I see that you started your essay with an anecdote about falling off your bicycle. This is a good idea since it helps to draw the reader into your story and immediately introduce the subject of your essay--important, since you don't have a high word limit. But I think you should elaborate just a bit more and really put the reader in context. I was confused when I read the first sentence because I thought I was in the middle of the essay.
This could also help the awkward wording and order in the beginning sentences. Instead of "That was me at 7 trying to ride a bicycle meant for 12 year olds" after discussing the bike and then saying you didn't have your own bike, maybe first introduce your age and the fact that you were trying to learn to ride (so that the reader knows the context), then that you didn't have your own bike so you used one that was too big (so the reader knows how much harder it was) and then talk about falling off. That's a much smoother order (at least for me) to glide into the essay.
-The next part about you getting your first bike at 11 has a lot of seemingly irrelevant details that aren't drawn in close enough to the point of that paragraph. The point (I think) is that you were excited to get your first actual bike, prepared for success, and was disappointed by failure. As such the details you mention should be connected more directly to your excitement and your disappointment. Did the sunglasses make you feel more confident? Did you expect your brother to take a great shot of you pedaling along, maybe even with no hands? Building up the anticipation and the excitement will really make the sense disappointment and failure more vivid for the reader.
Another thing with this paragraph is that it makes me question the necessity of the introduction. Why not start the essay with you getting your first bike and go from there? Then you would be able to talk more about your excitement to learn and how determined you were to continue in more detail.
-Defining determination for the reader is unnecessary and doesn't clearly express that you were determined or that you rebounded from your failure, which would be a better way to express your resilience.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh here. I really hope you'll succeed!
Hi Chizaram, I'm not sure if this is what you were talking about earlier when you said you have another essay you need help with. Anyhow, please find a few corrections and insights below;
- And I fell predictably on the ground having only
- achieving anminor injury from the bicycle pedal.
- bicycle but I desiredwas determined to learn how to ride one.
- I will take it out for amy first ride.
- I had oO ne of my elder brothers - holding a camera and anotherthe other to teach me.
- One thing about determination is that you never give up, ( don't miss out on your punctuation marks ) irrespective of bad outcomes.
- my parents;, I did it!
There you have it Chizaram, indeed, determination to do something, disregarding the obstacles will definitely earn you the sweetest reward you can ever have.
I hope the above remarks and corrections help,Oh, one more thing, I suggest that you refrain from starting the essay with the word, "and", I suggest;
"As I fell predictably..."
Keep writing!
Thank you once more. Thanks taariya and justivy. That's the last application essay I have for now. I appreciate your feedback
I believe this intro is much better:
I was 7 years old when I fell predictably on the ground having only minor injury trying to ride a bicycle meant for 12 year olds. I didn't have my own bicycle but I was determined to learn how to ride one.
Hi Chizaram, here is my piece for you. Hope it will satisfy your purpose.
I had only 7 years when I first got an opportunity to ride a bicycle meant for a 12 year old, just because I did not have one myself. As I fell predictably on the ground, I picked some minor wounds from the bicycle pedal. But unlike many others, I did not give up on my dream of riding bicycle. I, instead, gained further momentum and determination to learn bicycle riding.
@justivy03, kindly have a review of my essay on the Chevening's leadership and influence question.