"the relationship i have with my parents" - Personal Statment for colleges

this is actally a big part of my life and its the relationship i have with my parents and howi never really knew my dad.

I wanted to ask if you can help sturcture it more and make it flow and tell me things that i should add. Here is part of the essay:

Strangers huddled around a small tin house, the aroma of food filled with spices rose to the atmosphere, women dressed in dazzling saris and men at their best wait for a stranger whom I know nothing of. This man had a very light complexion, silky hair, and he approached everyone with respect. His eyes gradually started to glisten in the sun as if his vision became blurred. My cousin gently tapped my shoulder and smoothly whispered into my ears "the man in the middle of everyone is your father, go say something."

I never knew who my father was until the age of three. As a result of this, our relationship was not built on a foundation starting from the base. My relationships with my parents are like black and white, they contrast each other but yet they are colors. Over the past few years, my parents have opened up and shared the sacrifices they have made to accomplish what they have up to date. My mom had transitioned her lifestyle after marrying my dad so much that she dealt with mistreatment from her in-laws, people who oversee power and money over happiness and pain for fourteen years of her life. People were jealous of her because she represented the ideal bride, one who does not speak up even if a person is wrong, cooks, and cleans after everyone without a compliant. My mom has sacrificed the value of her life to keep her children content. My father helps everyone he meets and encourages people to better their lives. He has helped a person reach the height of success but in return he got nothing back. My father has been working for the past twenty years doing the same thing with the same price.

Your essay has a lot of potential and you have a very unique experience, use this to your advantage. Go into more depth about the hardships you had to deal with by not having your father with you. How did this help make you a better/stronger person? You are just writing about the surface of things, try to go more in depth while still retaining a sense of privacy--find the right balance.

Hi Shelmar:

You have the workings of a good essay here, but I really do think that you might want to work on it a little more. Be more descriptive of what your parents accomplished (you will see what I am talking about in the space below). There are also some corrections I have offered to you. I think that you are a good writer -- your essay just needs to be polished a little. Great topic!

--Mark

Strangers huddled around a small tin house, the aroma of food filled with spices rose to the atmosphere, women dressed in dazzling saris and men at their best wait for a stranger whom I know nothing of.of whom I know nothing.

As a result of this, our relationship was not built on a foundation starting from the base. My relationships with my parents are like black and white, they contrast each other but yet they are colors

--> Exactly what are you trying to say here? They are like black and white, but yet they are colors? What does this mean?

Over the past few years, my parents have opened up and shared the sacrifices they have made to accomplish what they have up to date.

--> OK, this is a good sentence from which you can launch an excellent description of what your mother and father have done over the past few years. You do little to tell the reader about this in your essay. Be more descriptive.