I'm only supposed to make use of 1000 characters but so far, my answer consists of 998 characters without spaces and 1228 with spaces. Please help me think of ways to make my thoughts more concise cause I'm having such a difficult time cause I have so much to say!! :)) And also, please give me your honest comments about what you think of the answer as a whole... I tried to show my personality and my passion as much as I could. Anyway, thanks!!
Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?
If you asked me at the age of 6 what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would've answered "a writer;" if you asked me at age 9, I would've said "a president;" at age 12, I would've told you I wanted to be "a businesswoman;" and at age 15, I would've told you with all confidence that "I want to be a doctor." Ask me today what I want to be and this I'll answer: "I want to be a writer, a president, a business woman, and a doctor. I want to be a Renaissance woman."
In this day and age, specialization has become all the rage in other schools, with students preoccupied with a singular degree. In Brown, however, consilience is celebrated. Brown is not only known for being skilled in one arena but in a myriad of different subjects, from the humanities to the sciences. As a student who has a deep love for literature, a keen interest in the physical sciences, and an innate drive for leadership, the opportunity that Brown provides me to combine different areas of study with an aim to produce an idiosyncratic yet holistic education is well enough to convince me that I belong in this school. Brown is not only an option but rather my choice college because in Brown, the Renaissance woman is all but dead; she is immortalized.
Francesca,
I dare not make a mark on your essay. It is extremely well-written. You have made use of the short space in a concise way. The choice or words is excellent. I could not improve upon it at all. I wish you luck in your endeavors!
Mark
Thank you Mark for your comments, they really made my day! But the thing is, I still need to shorten my answer to a 1000 characters. So far, I went over by 228 D: Is there any part that you think is unnecessary in the essay? Or anything that I can cut??
Again, thanks for all the help! :)
In Brown, however, consilience is celebrated . Brown is not only known for being skilled in one arena but in a myriad of different subjects, from the humanities to the sciences .
How is that? Does that cut it down to size for you? In doing the cutting that I did, the essence of the essay remains the same.
Mark
Here is another cool trick for improving conciseness:
"I want to be a writer, president, businesswoman, and doctor. I want to be a Renaissance woman."
I like the concept a lot.
One more idea:
As a student who has a deep love for literature, keen interest in physical science, and drive for leadership, the opportunity that Brown provides me to combine different various areas of study with an aim to produce an idiosyncratic yet holistic education is well enough to convince me that I belong in at this school.
:-)
Wow this is an amazing essay. You can make it even stronger by adding some specific's about Brown's programs and what makes it special.
To Mark and EF_Kevin: Thanks so much for the help! Your comments are noted. :)
To iceui2: Thank you so much! The reason why i am not adding some specific's about Brown's programs is because I'll be talking about those in my other essays. As much as possible, I want to tell Brown as much as I can without being redundant... and that's why I decided not to include concrete things about Brown in this essay. What do you think? Is it an okay strategy? :)
Oh, and I tried to answer how Brown is special in this essay by hinting at their open curriculum. I did not want to write it outright cause I know it's a pretty a common topic... So I wanted to present it in a more original perspective... Did it work?? =))
Thanks again to all of you! I appreciate your help!
Well, now that you mention it... um, this seems like it could be improved:
Brown is not only known for being skilled in one arena but in a myriad of different subjects, from the humanities to the sciences.
Brown is not only known for students skilled in...
That will subtly achieve the effect you want. I like it!
This is an amazing essay, the first paragraph as a whole is really well written. You definetley said a lot in a consise way and I can tell you are passionate about going here. I wouldn't change a thing.
Hey guys! I tweaked my answer around a little bit. Please tell me whether this is better than the original one I had (which is posted above) or if I shouldn't even change it begin with. Again, thanks for all your comments and suggestions. They really helped. Please do comment again if you have anything to say. Thanks!! :)
If you asked me at the age of 6 what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would've answered "a writer." At the age of 9, my answer would've been "a president." The ever-changing answer wouldv'e been, at age 12, "a businesswoman", and at age 16, "a doctor." Today, ask me to choose which of my previous answers stands true and this I'll reply: "All of them." After all, you don't need to choose one ambition over the others when you are what I truly aim to be: a Renaissance woman.
In this day and age, specialization has become all the rage in other schools, with students preoccupied with a singular degree. In Brown, however, consilience is celebrated. Brown is not only known for students skilled in one arena but in a myriad of different studies, from the humanities to the sciences. As a student who has a deep love for literature, a keen interest in the physical sciences, and an innate drive for leadership, the opportunity to combine different areas of study with an aim to produce an idiosyncratic yet holistic education is more than enough to convince me that I belong in Brown.
Why do I choose Brown? Because in Brown, the Renaissance woman is not a thing of the past. She is the purpose of the present. She is the promise of the future. In Brown, the Renaissance woman is all but dead; she is immortalized.
the opportunity that Brown provides me to combine different areas of study with an aim to produce an idiosyncratic yet holistic education is well enough to convince me that I belong in this school.
I like how you have tweaked this sentence from your original essay to better suit the required character constraint. The sentence also seems less of a mouthful and is actually much more well-structured.
Generally, its a unique essay with excellent flow and vocabulary. Easily one of the better ones on the site. Well done!
